tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post2346406048305930150..comments2023-09-14T12:49:51.466-06:00Comments on Spirit of Saint Lewis: The "I" In "We" -- Where Is It?A Lewishttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05066992019067893513noreply@blogger.comBlogger19125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-15203692528466820052009-04-23T12:54:00.000-06:002009-04-23T12:54:00.000-06:00Well, this kind of fits in with what I have been r...Well, this kind of fits in with what I have been realizing now for the longest time! There just isn't time for everything! And it sounds like you lack time for yourself really, which is a bit of a shame.WAThttps://www.blogger.com/profile/06265139894543519211noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-64448174157086191482009-04-23T12:52:00.000-06:002009-04-23T12:52:00.000-06:00I totally know where you're coming from. My partne...I totally know where you're coming from. My partner and I actively plan "alone time" in the house for each of us each week. When we don't get it, we feel it. There's something quite nice about, as you say, being at home, amongst your stuff, and not feeling it necessary to do anything, including talking or whatever with your partner. It's similar to the feeling I have when checking into a hotel for a business trip - it's my room only, for a certain amout of time. It's sort of liberating.<br /><br />That said, I, too, adore my partner and couldn't imagine being without him. We just recognize that we have some limits.TonyGnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-31482799388098218252009-04-23T08:12:00.000-06:002009-04-23T08:12:00.000-06:00I understand...
after 30 years together, I sometim...I understand...<br />after 30 years together, I sometimes wonder where the "I" went, but then I count "our" blessings.<br />Best to all 3 of you!Stephenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05967985806955115917noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-19819910572061695022009-04-22T23:46:00.000-06:002009-04-22T23:46:00.000-06:00Most excellent post: As you know, I am now an "I" ...Most excellent post: As you know, I am now an "I" apart from a "we" of nearly 26-years. It has been challenging, at best, to rediscover who the "I" is. I've spent half a lifetime being a "we." At times it feels like half my physical self is missing in action much like that 'phantom limb' feeling war veterans experience who have lost a leg, etc.<br /><br />Your points are valid; I became so wrapped up in our "we" that I totally lost, downplayed, let go of all the good "I" things that made me so attractive in the first place.<br /><br />I think it is very critical and a keystone to any strong partnership that both involved maintain a sense of self. A relationship is a compromise at best. Still, looking back, I should have stood firmer with regard to my interests, space and relationships beyond the "we."<br /><br />Very thought-provoking post, Lewis.Michael Guyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/11939701498074991413noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-59490740315602609772009-04-22T17:39:00.000-06:002009-04-22T17:39:00.000-06:00I think we all need some quality alone time. My p...I think we all need some quality alone time. My partner and I always manage to spend a little bit of time doing what we like by ourselves. It keeps us sane and grounded.Greghttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04410366147691365995noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-48363610972148868752009-04-22T17:34:00.000-06:002009-04-22T17:34:00.000-06:00Lewis: You know you and I are kindred spirits in t...Lewis: You know you and I are kindred spirits in this. I think we have been misled by age old fairy tales that we must leave behind ourselves and devote everything to the new "us"...no where else in life: job, neighborhoods, friendships, etc are we asked to give up our identity and become one with the group...we are asked to bring our own strengths to add to it. Our hubs did not fall in love with "we" they fell in love with "I" and I think when we stop being the "I" we stop being the person the other committed to. Sometimes we get lost in the "we" and I don't think that's ever a good thing. With all do respect, I do not agree with my good buddy Lemuel: the "we" does not and by no means should supersede the "I"...at least, not for me, or you, or for anyone who's nature it is to be ourselves first, then part of a unit. Many people give themselves over to their marriage and their responsibilities to their spouses...but to me, that is not a partnership, it is subservience, something perpetrated by centuries of wives being legal property, then religious views that a man "takes a wife as his own" and a father "gives his daughter" to her husband. As same sex couples,without centuries of established roles, we can break free from that archaic outdated mode and discover new ways to have meaningful successful relationships as two individuals choosing to share a life together. Put your spouse before all others? Sure, I buy that and practice it...but always put him before me? I don't know if I'd want to be with someone who thought my wants and needs and desires should always come second to his...our needs are a COMBINED pool and where they overlap, great. But where they don't, why should we submerse who we are and what we want for someone else? And why would we commit to be with someone that expects us to? Sorry, but "we" is the combination of two "I"'s, not the replacement for. Of course, this is what my truth is, what I believe and what works for me. There are those who only feel complete as the other half, walking forever as half of a whole and never being on their own, and if that works for them, more power to them. But it is by no means the right path for all of us, any more than ours are the right paths for all others. Be who you are and need to be. Nurture yourself as well as your relationship and respect yourself as much as you respect your relationship...you do not have to choose...you can have and be both..the we and the I in harmony. Thanks for an insightful and candid post. Would that we all could be so honest and fearless.Breenlanternhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17317914861018120156noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-18974606817146503592009-04-22T06:56:00.000-06:002009-04-22T06:56:00.000-06:00The one time I totally gave into the "we" I was ba...The one time I totally gave into the "we" I was badly burned, and it hasn't happened since... probably intentionally. This does not, however, keep me from still wanting it from time to time. :-)Dave2https://www.blogger.com/profile/15376066552003396828noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-71896899162548000792009-04-22T05:31:00.000-06:002009-04-22T05:31:00.000-06:00Michael--I like the "private self" concept, too. ...Michael--I like the "private self" concept, too. I grew up amid the older model that there was only one person EVER for you in the entire world, that you had to give yourself entirely--this from my parents who were, ironically, severely troubled in their marriage. To them, publicly at least, a private self would have been an unacceptable disloyalty. To me it's an essential thing, a place that renews me to be able to give more without spending all of myself in the process.Willhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14279473113628377106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-18513238627283503562009-04-21T23:58:00.000-06:002009-04-21T23:58:00.000-06:00*smile**smile*wcshttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00551283829616757577noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-24252131476348018232009-04-21T23:09:00.000-06:002009-04-21T23:09:00.000-06:00One of the greatest tasks we have is trying to gro...One of the greatest tasks we have is trying to grow our "I" identity while simutaneously nourishing our 'we' identities with loved ones, our tribe etc.<br />No small feat.<br /><br />There was a shrink named Modell, who wrote about 'the private self' a space in the psyche no one can ever be in or go to but the person who has it. I like that concept.Ur-spohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/04237644452200889946noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-45999545790916626122009-04-21T21:50:00.000-06:002009-04-21T21:50:00.000-06:00I'm glad that you wrote about this issue honestly ...I'm glad that you wrote about this issue honestly and openly. But not stunned. <br /><br />I need my alone time! But I have 4 kids in addition to the husband who all want a part of me. I hide. I give it to you instead. Well, not you personally. The blogs. I let my mind wander around here. <br /><br />There is an element in me that wants to escape. It's strong at this time of the year. I'm tethered, but I'd like a little more slack in my rope, you know? There isn't much slack this year. Your words resonate with that part of me that wants to RUN AWAY!! But I don't want to burn any bridges, of course. I love my husband. Oh, I disagree with you on one slight point. I'm the one with the greatest husband in the world. I'm sure Blair is wonderful, and he's definitely more suited for you than my husband is. But my husband is the best. Just sayin'. ;)Javahttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17377033663576614925noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-78761787621038211042009-04-21T20:54:00.000-06:002009-04-21T20:54:00.000-06:00You've brought up what I think is THE central issu...You've brought up what I think is THE central issue in relationships.<br /><br />In my first long term relationship, I felt I had to devote all my time to my partner, and restructure my life to devote it totally to the relationship. I didn't lose my "I", I gave it away in handfulls. It all fell apart. <br /><br />With Fritz, it's very different and I work to maintain that difference. We're crazy about each other but each of us has his own sphere and when we come together for dinner or afternoon tea, or when we wake up together and talk in the early morning hours, each of us has something fresh to bring, some news the other doesn't know, etc. I travel around the country for theater and opera, he to offer workshops. We maintain our individual identities while making a really tremendous couple. It's a balancing act, but I think it's essential to keep that balance.<br /><br />I was stunned that you wrote about this issue so openly and honestly. Thank you!Willhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14279473113628377106noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-340882924917918162009-04-21T19:01:00.000-06:002009-04-21T19:01:00.000-06:00As much as I want to find someone to establish a r...As much as I want to find someone to establish a relationship with, I fear losing the independence that I have grown accustomed to. <br /><br />From what I have been able to gather, it seems that your life and hubby's life are very much inter-twined. As Mark has said, allocate "personal time" with each other to do your own thing. Generate conversation that runs along the lines of <I>"Guess who/what I saw yesterday!"</I> instead of <I>"So what did you think of him/that yesterday?"</I> Or what is even better sounding: <I>"I missed you!"</I> What's the saying? Absence makes the heart grow fonder.Stevenhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02884928698586182128noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-46827099925508674062009-04-21T16:09:00.000-06:002009-04-21T16:09:00.000-06:00Thank you for being so bold as to put these though...Thank you for being so bold as to put these thoughts out there for the reading. I felt a lot of this in my previous long-term relationship. The more closed in the walls became, the more I longed to escape. I felt from day one in that marriage the "two became one" and I poetically wondered which "one" did we become? <br />In my current long-term relationship, I used to feel more of this in the beginning. We also worked at the same place for a couple years. It was almost too much! Just because I am such an independent spirit. I don't know how it happened, but just in the nick of time before I felt I couldn't breathe anymore-- I changed course. Left that job, went back to school, met new friends, got a job in a new field. That differentiation really "saved" us. Not that we were going to break up, but for me not being able to have enough sense of freedom/autonomy would have been detrimental. My honey doesn't need the alone time or "I" time like I do. I have learned to carve out those little things for myself. I guess I am rambling now, but I totally get what you were saying.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-21060075975271672572009-04-21T15:05:00.000-06:002009-04-21T15:05:00.000-06:00Just for the record, you have me for yourself. I ...Just for the record, you have me for yourself. I ready your blog, but not Blair's.<br /><br />I do not require or desire the 'alone time' you describe, but I respect that need in others. Perhaps it might help to actually schedule personal time. Tuesday mornings before noon (or whatever) is scheduled 'Lewis only' time. Blair knows not to expect you to be with him, and your extended family will know not to expect to contact you or be contacted by you during 'Lewis only' time. Just a thought.Mark in DEhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12478832787656152843noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-39812954737736832252009-04-21T09:42:00.000-06:002009-04-21T09:42:00.000-06:00I get it...and I totaly know where you are coming ...I get it...and I totaly know where you are coming from...I have asked myself the same questions. Its deep...RADhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14327199086953530789noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-35281300974678784402009-04-21T08:39:00.000-06:002009-04-21T08:39:00.000-06:00"I believe that all people, all genders, face many..."I believe that all people, all genders, face many of the same issues." - true!<br /><br />spouse and I do not work together. I get alone time in the mornings before/afternoons after my job begins/ends.<br /><br />he has his interests/hobbies, and I have mine.<br /><br />and yes, we do some activities together.<br /><br />yet I have begun to envy my single friends who have to answer to no one but their cat/dog. it must be a sign of "getting older"; it's hard to explain in words.<br /><br />I want to try new things and experience new heights, but feel I am being held back by my relationship. is that so wrong? or am I just being irresponsible and selfish?<br /><br />(deep heavy sigh)anne marie in phillynoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-79121069698941014632009-04-21T07:37:00.000-06:002009-04-21T07:37:00.000-06:00Do you consider yourself married? Then I would ex...Do you consider yourself married? Then I would expect that the "I" becomes secondary to the "we". Please note that I am not saying that the "I" disappears. It becomes secondary - or even tertiary - in importance. From my perspective, in any marriage - straight or gay - regardless of the element of faith or non-faith - "the two become one". The "I's" step aside and each is concern above all for the good of the "we" and for the good of the other. After those two goals are achived then there is a time and a place for the "I".Lemuelhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/15397995062492531171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-1249087072631679631.post-88257450010643491382009-04-21T02:52:00.000-06:002009-04-21T02:52:00.000-06:00I understand where you are coming from, but I must...I understand where you are coming from, but I must also say that losing that 'we' was the hardest thing I've ever gone trough, so appreciate the time you have together. It's worth more than all the riches in this world...Billyhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17794508008259267967noreply@blogger.com