Tax Deductions II

It will come as no surprise to most of you that I struggle with families having far too many children, using far too many of our world's resources, contributing too much to noise pollution, putting too many disposable diapers in the landfills of the world -- all while I'm paying for their Mommy and Daddy to actually receive tax deductions that I pay for.  I'm a big fan of actually charging parents to have children after a certain number in order to pay for all that those particular families remove from this earth.  And it is quite clear that those of us who are single, or have chosen to not have children for whatever reason, are left to pay for those who have more children than they need.  Enough....read this article if you want more of my obnoxious, soapbox opinions. 

Most of this nation's school systems are in big financial trouble.  They are not properly funded.  They are mediocre at best.  They are overburdened with the aforementioned "too many" children from families who are not able to financially contribute their part to keep the whole thing going.  It's a total mess.  And not a new problem.  What I get upset with is that we.....governments from national down to city.....continue to try and figure out new ways to simply gain more money......and rarely do the unthinkable....cut spending, cut poor teachers, cut cut cut.  I mean seriously, if my personal home budget isn't working, I have to cut spending or raise extra cash.    We are interested in just tossing money at projects, schools, and budget shortfalls each few years....wishing, hoping, dreaming that it will get better.  Wise up!  It won't.  The simplistic, unrealistic, thinking that money will solve problems is unwise.  And that goes for this schooling issue or any other one.  I'm all about fixing problems, the root of the problem, and moving on.  I'm about removing poor performers, dead weight, bad people and projects that require too much money.  We are always focused on money money money.  And not on education, education, education. 

A few years ago my Multnomah County voted in a "temporary" three-year property tax to "help save the schools."  $300 per year from me for three years in a row.  Remember, I do not have children.  $900 total for the temporary three-year deal.  Guess what....it didn't fix the trouble.  Two days ago, the fine folks of my city voted in another property tax hike to keep the schools going.  Averages are guessed at $400 per year per household increase in property taxes.  Remember, I do not have children.  So, simply because I'm a homeowner, I have to pay up.  Weird.  Just doesn't make sense.  Meanwhile, the procreators who have chosen to not use condoms and now have four, five, six or more children in school actually receive a deduction from their annual taxes.  Humm.  Sumthin' just doesn't add up.  We're out of balance.  I'm not happy.  Nor should I be.  It won't fix the problem.  We will be trying this again in a few years...more money more money more money.

I'm tired of tax deductions being paid for by folks like me.  I believe in those who use services, systems, or resources actually being the ones who pay for the products.  Am I asking too much?

Tax Deductions

So what if every single tax deduction taken for each child in the U.S. was not permitted, or not taken, or not allowed to be taken?  I'm not sure of what the dollar amount is per child....maybe $2,000 or so??  What if those deductions were actually not removed.  What if that dollar amount was allowed to stand.  Or, horrors!, what if parents were actually required to pay for each of their children simply for having them....for allowing them to consume space, air, water, food, etc., on this planet.  Perhaps there could be a sliding scale.  Families would be permitted to have one, or two, children without penalty -- but beyond that they would be required to actually dish out so many thousands of dollars each year for each of their children. 

Consider what that would do to our tax base.  Add to our bottom line instead of take away from it.  I've never understood why we give tax deductions to children.  When they are occupying space on this earth, they eat food from it, they crap on it, they yell and scream on it, they require so many resources from Mother Earth -- and yet they not only are not required to pay for all of that but they actually get to charge the U.S. Government for it.  In essence, I am paying for it.  And that doesn't sit well with me.  Oh, I know, I know....there are million and one reasons for wanting to fund children, fund early childhood development and all of that.  And I am well aware that the children of today are the leaders, educators, and adults of tomorrow (and that scares the living hell out of me, quite frankly.....). 

I will never understand why a family of two parents and, oh say, four, five, six or even more children are permitted to pay tax on two people instead of six or eight or ten.  I don't get it.  They dirty the earth, they require so much in the way of products, toys, plastics, "things" made in China, giant double-wide strollers, fuel, petroleum products, and the like.  And the parents have to have a giant minivan and pay for the gas to operate it.  The hole just gets deeper the more I think about it.  And the noise pollution level operates at such a higher level with yelling, screaming, crying.  I hate noise and this just adds to my furor. 

I have educator friends and teachers who disagree with me wholeheartedly on this.  But I can take it.  I just don't believe how a guy with no children should be required to fork over extra tax money each year to help take care of those who abuse and neglect the reasonable number of decent children in this world.....all the while the actual parents pay less.  One of life's mysteries. 

Paley's Place Portland

Chef Vitaly Paley and his wife have crafted this unique restaurant along the gritty throws of Northwest 21st Avenue in Portland.  We ended up there last evening for LoverBoy's birthday meal.  Unbeknownst to him, I'd had an unexpected conversation the prior evening with a friend who just happened to mention Paley's Place to me....and how much she enjoyed it.  LoverBoy had asked me not to do anything for him for his special day.  So, loving the sense of tingling and excitement that comes from being told what to, or not, to do, I did it anyway.  I made reservations at Paley's Place.  Perhaps it was the $800 bottle of wine on the menu that piqued my interest....and not my pocketbook.  Here is my review posted on Yelp this morning: 


"Oh, what a night!  (You remember the song, don't you??).  You'll see that I seldom give the illustrious 5-stars...but this one gets it.  We ventured here based on a recommendation from a friend, just the night before.  It was a birthday for us......so I emailed a reservation request.  (I'm not sure if they are on Open Table or not but that would be convenient...).  They returned my call and we arrived at 6pm.  We left just after 8.  No rush, zero intent to get us out of there.  This is NOT Applebee's cousin, I must add.  We felt spoiled, treated well.  The waiter (Colin) took whatever time we needed -- to explain anything on the menu, to chat about his history, our history, the restaurant, food, life, weather.  It was 100% full shortly after we arrived.  It is an old Victorian home.....two smaller dining rooms and a cute little bar sits in between.  The porch along the front of the home will draw you in nicely....especially in BOTH of those good months of nice weather we have here in Portland.  Paley's Place definitely demanded more from our bank account than we hardly ever dish out....as exemplified by the $800 bottle of wine on the menu.  But I was not opposed to it for this special occasion -- and because the service, atmosphere, and food were absolutely spot-on.  The muted, rich colors, lighting, artwork and fabrics lended to a warm atmosphere.  Being a veggie guy, that can be a challenge -- but Colin went right down the menu explaining what could be done veggie and how things could easily be adapted.  I enjoyed the white bean vegetable cassoulet with butter leaf salad with crispy onions and homemade ranch dressing.  May I just mention that the second half of the cassoulet is on today's lunch menu for me -- perhaps I should spin the hands on the clock forward now.  My partner enjoyed one of the 3-5 items on the menu that change daily -- stuffed and rolled pork tenderloin with a horseradish and Dijon flair.  And the Sweet Potato soup -- like velvet, warm, rich, savory.   A French Rose' and fresh lime gin gimlet began the meal.  Pear Brandy and cognac ended it.  Along with Meyer lemon pudding cake with Madjool Dates and a warm, dark chocolate tasty treat with homemade ice cream.  Holy smokes my eyes are puffy this morning.  And my muffin top has been embellished.
P.S.--Chef Vitaly Paley is featured on Iron Chef America this Sunday April 17, 2011......Will he earn the title?!"

 You'll be able to watch Chef Vitaly Paley this coming Sunday night April 17, 2011, on the Food Network in Iron Chef America......we've got it on our calendars!

17 Years And Still Missing Him

My father passed away 17 years ago today.   Click over on the link to read his amazing story.  10pm tonight, to be precise.  I think that tonight's Super Moon is only fitting of a proper way to celebrate and honor him.  He was quite the man.  So great in a million ways.  In many ways we're alike.  And in many ways, we're not alike.  He would have appreciated me as a gay man, I just know he would.  He never had the opportunity to.  He would have been 79 today.  He died at age 62.  Lou Gehrig's Disease is a rotten deal.

Blue Boy Needs to Leave the Red State

So we've returned from a lovely night of warm dessert at my cousin's home.  All was good until the Miller beer started flowing over the lips of my step father and my cousin's husband.  Oh boy.  I had to move myself across the room way down by my uncle.  And I did my best to keep him out of their conversation and keep him centered on words with me instead.  I succeeded.  But I glanced over at my LoverBoy when I kept on hearing about our "Muslim President" and his horrible wife....THE worst First Lady ever....how dare she demand that our children can't eat certain foods.  If they want to eat it, they should be able to eat it.  Oh dear. 

And it continued on and on about the Jews, Israel, Saudi Arabia, debt, deficit and the horrible nation that he's allowed to happen.  My ears were on fire.  Redder than ever.  Absolute hate.  Disgust.  They hate, hate, hate our president.  And not just strong dislike.  I mean hate to the core.  It was some of the worst conversation, phrases and words I've heard in person.  It all sounded so mainstream.  So simple, cheap, easy words.  Common phrases and sentences filled with zero depth, no thought.  No educational background, church-driven, fear based.  All fear based. 

I still think it would be much easier if people would simply admit that they are bigots and hate black people.  That would cut right through all of the false rhetoric and straight to what they are actually meaning to say.  Boy Boy Needs to Go Home Now. 

Academy Awards

And the award goes to........all of us.  Each of us.  For what we do each day, for the tasks we do, and what we put up with.  Seriously, I give myself a big old giant gold Academy Award.  And each of you get one too.  For being attentive to those around you, for meeting the needs of those nearby when you can, for being positive and keeping your heads held high.  That's the extend of my Academy Awards.  (Except that I do hope that The King's Speech wins...it's the only movie I've seen in more than a year....)

We're in Boise today and headed back across the Blue Mountains of Northeast Oregon tomorrow before yet another snowstorm hits later tomorrow and Tuesday.  The trip over was totally uneventful.  Cruised along at 70mph without event.  I'm hoping for the same tomorrow.  It is February, you know.  Snow should be expected. 

Our visit has been different.  Good, nice, but different.  My 15-year-old niece has been diagnosed with Conversion Disorder.  She is no longer able to attend public high school.  She is in Special Education classes.  And you all know what we used to call "those kids" as they arrived in the short bus.  It's not pretty.  She's having a tough time.  She has a hard time speaking, walking, eating, and dressing herself.  And this has all cropped up since January 1.  Life is a real bitch sometimes.  I told her that I loved her and expected her to do her best to get this thing resolved.  They say it's stress related.  My heart is broken.  And hers is too. 

It's funny....returning to the place where you were born and raised.  How the feelings are different, stranger.  How things look smaller, or larger, than you remember.  The feelings are unusual.  We've driven up and down the streets we rode our bicycles on and looked at the house we grew up in.  I did get to enjoy a great evening with a few of my cousins and my aunt.  It's been years...many, many years....since I've been able to enjoy one another.  Tonight we're headed over to another cousin's house for dessert.  No complaints about that. 

And the award goes to.........

Eye-Da-Ho

Eagle, Idaho, to be exact.  We're in Mommy's house trying to stay warm.  Our trip from Portland yesterday was uneventful in spite of our (my??) getting all worked up with regard to Interstate 84 road reports for the Blue Mountains of Northeast Oregon calling for a zillion inches of snow.  Zero snow on the roads.  A few wet spots but nothing that couldn't be wiped up.  And, we're here......

After a delicious homemade cream of potato soup with spinach soup topped with shredded smoked gouda and warmed garlic olive oil, we settled into this warm home filled with good laughs and plenty of giggles.  We haven't been here since November -- if you'll recall we were here in Idaho when LoverBoy's mother passed away.  And now we've walked into an overnight sensation of my 15-year-old niece's newly discovered Conversion Disorder.  She's trying physical therapy, counseling, child psychiatric care and headed toward neurotherapy treatments.  It makes me sad.  And I can't even begin to imagine how it makes my sister, her mother, feel.  Or my own mother, her grandmother.  You know, you just never know what is around the next particular corner of your life.  I'm thankful I (sort of) have the wherewithal to sort things out in my head.  And just when you think things are beginning to get headed in a more positive direction........

Tomorrow night is a family taco bar dinner with my immediate family plus my aunt and cousins and who knows who else.  I seldom get to see any of them so this will definitely be fun.  And today after sister's work, we're taking her to get her very first iPhone 3GS.  She is beside herself (and, no, that doesn't mean there are two of her....).  Mason has made himself right at home with his oversized backyard to run around in and chase the birdies.  He can come and go as he pleases here....without having to be taken on his leash up and down three flights of stairs like we do back at home.  And how could I forget to mention the gun rack filled with more than enough weapons.  We feel right at home. 

So, think of us...would you please.  We always have fun, and we will again.  But this thing with my niece has us both sorting out a lot of things internally.  And for now, The Spirit signs off from Eye-Da-Ho. 

Favorite Times of the Year

And this is one of them.  I love that mid-February feeling, especially in Portland.  I've already spotted crocus in bloom and buds in some bushes.  And the pink trees along the Willamette River in downtown will be in bloom within a week or so.  Those are the first signs of late winter, early spring to me.  The grocery stores now have primrose and pansies stacked in front of them....perfect for pairing with kale in a pot near a front door.  It is still cold, but not below freezing like much of the rest of the country.  I like it here.  It feels comfortable. 

Plus, there's Valentine's Day.  Tomorrow.  Valentine's Day was my due date when Mommy was pregnant with me.  Alas, I needed five additional days of sweetening up in the pot before she pushed me out.  And, unfortunately, the five extra days didn't do a damned thing for sweetening me up.  At.  All.  I like having my birthday at this time of year. 

We are heading to Boise next week on another of our pilgrimage road trips back to Idaho for a family visit.  We're planning a big combination Birthday/Valentine's Day/Niece's Birthday gathering while we're there.  We do have to traverse the Blue Mountains of Northeast Oregon as we move along Interstate 84....but, honestly, the winters have just not been what they used to be years ago as far as snow, cold, ice and all of that.  We always enjoy our road trips. 

Tomorrow our taxes get done.  Like clockwork.  It's a little complicated nowadays what with our registered Oregon Domestic Partnership and all of that.  It requires extra pieces of paperwork to be completed.  And of course, the benefits that we get in our own state don't apply on a federal level.  Grrr.  But it always feels good to have them done for the year.  And it goes without saying that it feels good to have the extra cash back in my own pocket! 

So, it's easy for you to see why this is one of my most Favorite Times of the Year. 

No Wonder Grandma Always Smelled So Good

You just never know how things are going to come together, or how the stars may just line up for you on any given day. Like when one sits down to write and express. I started to tell a coworker about my grandmother one day. We got to chatting about fancy air freshener sprays which reminded me of my grandmother. And that thought turned into another, and that one into yet another. And before I knew it, I had a whole sheet of ideas on my Grandmother.

Grandma and Grandpa moved from Ohio to Ontario, Oregon, around the tail end of the 1920s or 1930. My father was born in 1931 in Ontario. I know that Grandpa was an alcoholic and died of stomach cancer in 1965. Grandma went to work after that. For 90 cents an hour as an assistant at a nursing home. She retired 20 years later making $2.90 per hour. They lived in an old farm house on the outskirts of Ontario. Grandma tells me the story of getting herself all prettied up one day and walking into town to ask the businessman in town about the possibility of actually buying that house...for $4,000. With a single stove for heat. And they did buy it. That's where many of my early memories of Grandma took place. I remember her teeny tiny little black and white television with the rabbit ear antenna. And her black telephone up on the far south wall in the kitchen. I remember her telephone number to this day. I remember the day that the big old giant barn behind her house caught on fire thanks to my own father while he was just trying to burn down a few weeds near the barn. I remember all of my aunts, uncles, and cousins being piled into her small farmhouse kitchen eating on Sundays after church. Chicken and dumplings sticks in my mind for some reason. I remember the first time that my mom had to explain to me what a dumpling was. She never drove until after my Grandfather passed away. Then she bought herself a red Ford Comet that stayed with her until she drove no longer. She made her own clothes -- in fact, she had very few store-bought clothes. And it was all dresses, never trousers on Grandma....the church wouldn't approve. And she never wore jewelry except for her cameo necklace with Grandpa's picture in it and her wristwatch. The church wouldn't approve of jewelry. I would lay awake late at nights listening to a little black AM transistor radio -- KSRV was the station. I looked it up in the telephone book, found the address, and asked Grandma to drive me in the red Comet out to see where KSRV was located....to see where the little voices on the radio were coming from. I also asked her to drive me out to the Ontario airport so I could take a look. There was about as much there way back then as there is today.

And then she decided to leave the big farm house. She, my mom, and I went trailer shopping. They are called manufactured homes today. But this one was a trailer. A single wide. For $5,400. And she lived in that for many years and sold it for $5,200. I think that's where I remember bologna sandwiches on white potato bread (with butter for me, since I thought mayonnaise was the work of the devil just the same way I still believe today). And we'd wash it down with Cragmont cream soda from Safeway. Very often, I'd ride the Trailways bus from Boise to Ontario on Friday evenings. It would leave Boise at 5:30pm and arrive in Ontario at 7:30pm. And Grandma would be waiting for me, sitting in her car next to the Assembly of God church while the bus pulled in.

But the thing that got this whole piece started was when I was chatting with the coworker about good smelling air freshener sprays. Which reminded me of Grandma. You see, I would sneak into Grandma's bathroom when she lived in the trailer house and lock the door and start going through her medicine cabinet. And she had this pretty little can way up on the top shelf. I'd spray it in the air because it smelled good. And it should have. It was Grandma's F.D.S. spray.

Mid-Winter Meanderings

Whew. My niece's MRI for the conditions I mentioned in my earlier post showed normal! Normal. Subjective, I know. But nonetheless, no physical issue going on in her brain. Great news. The bad news is that it is a psychological issue. She's had a tough life. And I've always counted her as able to get over things probably a little more quickly than she apparently has been able to. She is going to be visiting with several psychiatric doctors to get this thing ironed out. I'm thankful. I'm hopeful. But I'm still not completely happy.

We did the unthinkable last night. Seriously. It's been years since we've gone to a real live mainstream movie theater to see a movie. You see, Portland is filled to overflowing with all sorts of independent theaters where you can take your pizza, beer, burger, whatever into the theater and watch a movie. They charge $3 for the movie and then you buy your food. You sit on couches, big soft chairs and the like. So that's typically the theaters we end up at. If our friends hadn't given us certificates to go to a real theater, we would not have. Are you kidding? $10 admission plus another $10 or more per person for treats? Umm, nope. Back to the movie at hand, we saw The King's Speech based on the true-life story of King George VI during the 1930s-1940s. Amazing. Brilliant. A must-see.

I'm nearly at the end of ten days with congestion, a sore throat, coughing and zero energy. Thankfully, it is just about gone and I can get myself back to work. I pushed and shoved myself back to yoga yesterday. It felt great but, boy oh boy, my energy has been seriously lacking. And this New Year's Resolution thing has the gym and parking lot hopping. Wow. Lots of "I have to be in the gym in January" people there. My favorite thing about going yesterday? Probably when my yoga guide Carla said, "I wish you peace, peace, and more peace." I think we all need a little more of that. A lot more, perhaps.

Our airline has new uniforms which we'll be transferring over to on January 28. I've been a little hesitant about them....the sizing, color, fabric, lack of practical options as far as shirts go, and that sort of thing. But they have now arrived after a six-month wait. They are currently at the tailors being fitted and should be ready to roll soon! They do look good, I must admit. It's been more than ten years since we've had new uniforms to sport in the Friendly Skies. Coffee, tea, or me??

We're in the middle of heavy chat about what to do for our vacation this year. Money. Timing. All of that. Our list is very long of things we'd like to do -- narrowing it down to a do-able, financially-good-fit option is the tough part. We have more vacation time available than money to do vacations with. Plus, I've got several large bills that I'm trying to get a prudent handle on this year....and that has my attention more than even taking a trip somewhere.

The Cold Chill of Winter

I'm not really quite sure what to say, exactly. I've been sick for a week. Sinusitis, sore throat, ear aches, feel like crappola. And I'm home sick. But that's the least of my worries.

There's a serious chill in my life right now. It's my beautiful niece. She will be 15 in a week or two. She's smart, pretty and a pleasure to be around (much like her uncle). But there's trouble. Since January 1, she has developed numerous physical ailments that are not good. She is not able to speak more than a word at a time without difficulty, she can't walk correctly, she cannot use her hands to dial a telephone, she's not able to sit or hold still, she cannot feed herself or drink without spilling it everywhere, and she cannot write....even a single letter on a page is apparently difficult. Her entire body is writhing -- all of her limbs and joints unable to hold still. She will not be able to return to her 9th grade school this week, clearly. I'm not sure what is going to happen. She's been to several doctors over the last week including a neurologist. An MRI is scheduled in a few days.

Emilee came into this life a fighter. She was born with several heart valves malfunctioning and without a complete septum dividing the two sides of her heart -- and came very close to dying. At 13 months, she underwent open heart surgery. She's tough. And we love her with all of our hearts. She always brings a smile to our faces. She's fun to be with and our time with her has always been accented by memorable times. Please keep her, us, in your good thoughts and prayers this week. It's all just cropped up so, so fast. And she is way too young for this sort of thing.

Looking Into the Face of the Past

Holy mackerel. I haven't had to look into the past for quite some time now. You know, those dark areas of one's former life that bring up various emotions and feelings and remind one of situations that we wish we could forget.

My family and friends are filled with a variety of troubles....not unlike any other group on the face of the earth. And I think it's fair to say that alcoholism is right near the top of the list. The list is long of those whose lives have turned sour because of the icky old bottle. I don't have the time or adequate space here and now to recount the stories -- police, job loss, DUI, courts, jail, physical harm, mental anguish, horrible harmful words spewed, and the like. But I think you get the picture. However, I'm very glad to say, that there are at least a few in my life that have taken the bull by the horns and have righted themselves...much like a ship being tossed by giant waves, they have found calmer seas and have discovered a beautiful way of correcting the course of their life.

But I stared down the dark hole recently into the face of drunks. Loudmouth, out of control, vicious, nasty drunks. I was really uncomfortable and felt completely out of place. I was embarrassed. It felt like my past life. I wanted the restaurant bill paid pronto and I wanted out. Now! I know the look in the eyes, the slurred speech, the attempts at putting sentences together, and the escalating volume of voice. It's not pretty. In fact, it's ugly. And it makes me sad. I hate to see people who have turned control of their lives over to the bottle. And it's been years, many years, since I've had to face it and see it personally. It reminded me of dark terrible days in past years. And I don't want to go there again.

Post Thanksgiving Thoughts

Cyber Monday -- it's today, you know. While I'd love to get our first Blu Ray player, it won't be happening today....but soon, I have a feeling. We don't have a DVD player and blu ray is the future. So, there you go. No cyber money being spent by me today.

We put up our Christmas decorations yesterday afternoon after I returned from Austin. They look great. Just enough in our small condominium. Not overstated. And I must remind myself of the joy of such endeavors. I can easily be caught up in "the work" part of it. The "pressure to put them up." Especially this year with the passing of my mother in law, I think it's important for us to maintain, to be consistent, to enjoy.

I'm working on my Re-Commitment to My Own Life. I have a long list of things that I'd like to keep working on in my own life. And so I've put those things to paper. We'll see what shape it takes and where it goes. It's just a perfect reminder for me to have in front of my face on a daily basis of what I find important. I need it right now.

There's something disconcerting about receiving a confirmation copy of your mother in law's Do Not Resuscitate Orders from the state registry after her death. It made us both sad to see what her name on the form and the date she had made her requests known to the doctor....just a few weeks before she passed away. She filled out her DNR form one month to the day before her death. And the information was entered into the state registry system one week before her death. And we received the confirmation form two weeks after her death. Weird, these sorts of things.

We enjoyed a quiet, one-on-one Thanksgiving with just the two of us. Well, and Mason, of course. A few movies, lots of good homemade food, and a chance to breathe a little. Perfect. And now we head on into the final month of 2010....December. It rolls around just as quickly as it always does. We try to keep our running around to a minimum. We enjoy the smaller gatherings, the dinners, the intimate group of close friends -- rather than the large parties of people we may not even know very well. And we do have tickets to see the musical HAIR on New Year's Eve. It goes without saying that we're looking forward to that. In addition, we will celebrate our 13th anniversary next week.....on December 9th we will begin our 14th year together. Amazing the water beneath the bridge.

Thanksgiving Week Dawns

The brothers-in-law have left, we just now deposited them at the airport. It's trying its best to snow but mostly rain. And the Celebration of Life was yesterday -- our condo was filled with 25 loving, caring friends who have been a part of our lives for numerous years now. LoverBoy is writing thank you notes as I write this. Our lives as we have known them over the last eight years are now over. God, it's quiet in this place. I could say that our lives will now be returning to normal but I'm afraid that I really don't take stock in "normal."

I'm working on a list. I've been working on it for some time now. It is still just a bunch of notes on a catering sheet from work at this point. Not quite sure when or how it will be final. Or what shape it will take. But I just know that it is time to recenter myself, returning to the roadway instead of tossing gravel about as the edges of my tires try their best to leave the proper path. There are definitely seasons to our lives -- looking back I can count many times when things were either up or down, driven to this direction or that because of the cycles in my life. The good, the bad. It all adds up to this thing we call our lives. I've been thinking a lot about focus. About prioritizing. About picking my Top 3, or 5, or even 10. What are my, say, Top 5 most important things in my life....the things that add value to my life, the things that will last into my old age, the things that I will be glad I did when I die. And about ridding myself of distractions, toxic activities or relationships, and negativity that taints one's heart and soul. Oh yeah, I'm a thinker, an analyzer. But I like me. For who I am. For who I can become.

This week is Thanksgiving. I'm not a giant fan of any particular holiday, nor a disliker either. But I like the word.....Thanksgiving. I'm a generally thankful person. One of the things on the list (alluded to above) that I'm creating is that at the end of each day, I want to pat myself on the back for one good thing I did that particular day and I want to also remember one poor thing I did that day....to remind myself to not to it again. Thanksgiving brings up those sorts of thought processes for me. Today, I am thankful for all of you. Not just "my readers" but my friends. For a million reasons not the least of which is all of the support you've given me, us!, over the past years as we've dealt with my in-laws and their care. I'm not quite sure where I'd be without your emails, comments, texts and actual in-person love! Thank you....on this Thanksgiving week.

Silence

Did you know how quiet one's phone can be? Except for the condolences and those checking on us to see if we need anything, it's been eerily silent. We've been in nearly constant chat all week long regarding the loss of his mother last Friday night. And the telephone was how she reached us. We have received several arrangements of amazing flowers. And a tons of cards in the U.S. Post. Even from those who we never thought we'd hear from again.

We spent last Sunday removing all of her belonging from her assisted living residence. Most went to Goodwill or the garbage. Some went to a shelter who clothes the homeless. We gave her bed away, the cane and walker to keep her stable were donated. And we've been reminiscing via old, really old, pictures and keepsakes. And her oxygen concentrator and portable tanks were picked up by the medical people who do that sort of thing. She was cremated on Monday afternoon.

I keep on checking in with LoverBoy. I can't imagine how it feels to lose both parents. To be alone in this world without those who brought you into it. He's a tough cookie. He's reasonable, patient, and has done an excellent job of getting to know his feelings. He's sorted out the good from the bad. Saturday is an open house and Celebration of Life for her....right here at our condominium.

Life ends up being so small at the end, it seems. Minute. Teeny tiny and baby. Nothing lasts. We end up all by ourselves with only the pajamas or gown that we die in. It's so strange. The bills don't matter. The idiosyncrasies seem to fade. Those things that we chose to elevate to a place of prominence are reduce to zip....zero. Bad attitudes have the life sucked out of them. And sometimes our enemies become our friends. Things do change, over and over, in our lives. We must move, shake, roll with it. Be pliable and flexible. I think that may be one of the keys to making this fast-passing time on earth a bit easier to deal with.

Me & Momma

My Mother in Law has left us. For years, she's been my MIL in the electronic arena. It was last Friday night when she decided that enough was enough and breathed her last. I met her years ago, 13 to be nearly exact, when she still lived in Santa Maria, California. In 2002, we (I!) decided to push for them to move nearer to us in Portland for health care reasons. He passed away two years ago. And she, last Friday. Both were 82.

Living with any person, or persons, is difficult. Dealing with family, in laws, parents, children and the like is not always a cake walk. In fact, family can bring about feelings and decisions and actions that don't typically feel like we're being ourselves. They know our buttons, and use them freely. They know how we'll react, or not, and thrive on that. Momma had a myriad of health issues from congestive heart failure to breathing difficulties to a strong thread of addiction issues.

She and I struggled nearly from the time they arrived in Portland. It will come as no surprise to anyone that knows me that I'm a pretty black-and-white sort of guy. I'll typically tell you the way it is. I'm a mover, a shaker. I get things done. I'm about solving troubles, not covering them up. I'm a nice guy but I'm not a sweet guy. And all of those things are points at which she and I came to terms. Blows. Repeatedly. She was none of those things. Her beauty came in simplicity, easiness. Nothing formal, nothing with time restrictions or dates attached to it. It came in smiles to others, sharing a leftover piece of cake with someone, or a simple card left at somebody's door. She hated dates, times, and places. She wanted no requirements, nothing formalized, no "have to's." When backed into a corner, she'd take the road of non-commitment. She would rarely commit to being anywhere at a particular time unless she had to. She could not stand people telling her what to do. Given her own vices, she would probably not be where she was supposed to at the given time and date. She'd get there on her own time....after a "Wee." And "I just need my water." And "Where's my purse?" And, "I just have a couple of things to do first....." She was never ready. And that drove me up the wall. And she didn't care.

Momma and I came to blows twice. Really, really horrible spars. Complete with foam out of the mouth, and rage in the eyes, the most vile of words, and tears. We never really got better after that. She took advantage of me more times than I can count. I knew her, she knew me. I think she liked me, I don't think she really took to me. I think she appreciated me for who I was and the things I could do for her but I don't think she would have chosen me to be a friend of hers in the big wide world of people to choose from. I think she valued me as her son's partner and that I take care of him, and stick up for him. Nearly always, he and I stood together. Her addictive personality ran the home. And caused her life to be in turmoil. She was rarely at 100% peace for very long. Until now. She struggled, she thrashed about, she was upset often, she always needed something else, she had fear in her eyes sometimes, she always needed a hand-holding person. Her life was pleasant, lovely, when filled with her vast array of old friends. But her life was a real bitch when the ugliness of her troubles reared their ugly heads. Isn't that the same with all of us?

Today, she rests. Without pain, discomfort, the feeling of being unsettled and always needing something else. Today, the medications are needed no more. The edgy, dire phone calls have stopped. She tested me repeatedly. Many times, intentionally. I have had to learn, to change, to evolve. Because she was my partner's mother. And an aging human being who needed help. I hope I'm a better person and have learned a few lessons because of her.

And today, I ask for comfort on her tired soul. For rest and....finally...coming to a place of eternal peace.

The Time Draws Nigh

UPDATE: Eleanor passed away at 6:18pm Pacific Time tonight Friday November 12, 2010. Finally, at peace.


The time draws nigh for my Mother in Law. She lived in her brand new assisted living facility for around six weeks. And struggled the entire time. Last Saturday, we were packing and prepping for our week-long vacation with my family in Boise. We stopped by to see her and, clearly, things were not well. The nurse was with her and had already arranged for her to be moved immediately to a nursing facility to receive medical care that could not be provided at the assisted living home. That was a week ago tomorrow. The first few days were filled with anger, yelling out, calling 9-1-1- from the nursing home bed, and threatening to walk out of the place. The folks at Providence Elder Place in Portland have been nothing short of amazing and responsive. They have arranged for an overnight care person to sit with her. She hasn't eaten in five days. Her veins have collapsed and they are unable to get an IV into her arm for nutrition or medication. As of today, she is incoherent and at peace.

It is difficult, to say the least, to have thoughts of pending death of one's mother in law knowing all of the trouble she has caused us over the years. The woven pattern of each of our lives is made up of so many things. Life, and death, stir up a long list of thought patterns. Tomorrow we drive from Boise back home to Portland. We're hoping we get there in time.

Boise Idaho Today

• Well, it's happened. And all the while we're in Idaho! Wyoming has toppled my home state of Idaho in being the USA's most Red State. Hallelujah. The torch can be passed along.
• We're enjoying a very relaxing visit at my Mother's house outside of Boise. It has been tainted a bit with MIL's issues back in Portland, my hubby's kidney stone that's waiting to pass, and my not feeling well. I see my mom far too little.
  
• I love my sister to death. She has come to far-reaching points in her life...out of dire necessity. I appreciate being able to talk with her, understand her, and know that she is safe and happy. There were days that I never thought it would be possible.
  
• MIL is not well. We had to move her out of her brand-new assisted living facility after being there only six weeks or so. The nursing home may be temporary, but probably permanent. She is just needing such a higher level of nursing/medical care. She's sleeping a majority of the time right now. And eating very little. She's angry, she's lashing out, she's irritated that we're in Idaho -- she always has hated it when we're away. Her roommate wants her moved out of the room. She's already called 9-1-1 from her nursing home bed because she "Needed Help." Her mental capacity is wildly erratic and unstable. I must give giant kudos to our new found friends at Providence ElderPlace in Portland. They have been lifesavers with coordinating her care, ordering anything she needed, sending caregivers, and making sure that we are also tended to. Seriously, they have taken us by the hand and helped us down a very rough road. And who says we don't need health care reform.
  
• Our drive over was fine but we both did not feel well. What we usually enjoy as a great day was overshadowed by some of the worst rain I've been in for a long time...paying attention to pools of water on the road and Big Rig trucks made it tricky. And neither of us felt well. I'm a little better but have been having daily headaches and aches. The trees all of the way over were so pretty -- framed against the dark evergreens along the cliffs of the Columbia River Gorge and the Blue Mountains of Northeastern Oregon.
  
• Hubby has a kidney stone....3mm. He's had right-sided groin/hip pain for a long time and has been trying to get it solved via ultrasounds and several CT scans. So, now the stone has been discovered and must pass. Gawd, we're getting old ..........

Halloween Hauntings

The last day of October. Halloween. Tomorrow is All Saint's Day. Five years ago tomorrow we left on one of our European whirlwinds with visits to Krakow, Poland...Prague and Dresden, Germany. The leaves are at that prime, amazing color level. We were up on top of the Fremont Bridge in Portland today crossing over the Willamette River....we could look across to the sea of colors toward the East side. We took Mason to his very first Doggie Play Group at Lexie Dog in The Pearl.....one of Portland's upper crust sort of areas on the north edge of downtown. He did so well (except for that little issue of trying to ride some 4 pound little pooch.....he's such a man). It's free every Sunday, and it's indoors. We have very few Sundays free that we can actually take him to something like that. And now it's Halloween. We have no plans. No costumes. And it's a great day out.

I had a quite nice time with my friend Shawn over a cup of tea yesterday at one of Portland's tea houses The Tao of Tea. We enjoyed a warmed pot of Roiboos Chai with soy milk and sweetened with Chinese jickory (sort of like brown sugar). Delicious. The place is warm and cozy with a giant tea menu and choice of how you have it served to you. We had a beautiful blue and white Chinese pot in front of us to sip on. We both blathered on and on about life, our desires, our wants, our needs, and where we are at. Or where we are not. It's been a very, very long time since I've enjoyed two unstructured hours of time with one other person one on one. Shawn is a good man and a great friend. He and I are at sort of similar places in our lives. We love life, we want more, and we're sorting out things to make sure we're headed in the right direction.

I'm breathing better and sleeping better too. As you well know, the last few years have taken their toll on me. Things just are not headed in the direction that I'd like them to be. I just have not been myself over the last years. And I don't like it. (See above paragraph.....) But I'm relaxing a bit. And I've begun to make a long list. Of likes, dislikes, things to change, things to hold on to. Even the simple act of giving thought to those things is therapeutic. And I've scribbled them down on the back of one of our airplane's catering sheets...the sheets that are taped to the front of each one of our food carts that arrive on the aircraft. The back is blank and I've used them many times throughout the years to make list, notes, write, and draft ideas. I'm headed toward a New Contract for Life With Myself. I'm not quite sure precisely what that means or how it will end up. But we'll see.

Next Sunday, we're jumping in the Kia Soul and heading down the Columbia River Gorge toward Idaho. My family often gets placed on the back burner with our visits and attention. We've been much more focused elsewhere in recent years. And the Idaho gang needs our visit....and we need to see them! We love our road trips.....gathering up Mason and plugging in the tunes as we traverse the 415 miles to my parents house outside of Boise. There's something horribly enjoyable and happy about the three of us in the car zipping down the road. And we always stop at Starbucks in Hood River, Oregon for a fix.

Overpriced Military Suicides and Facebook

Anybody have a ton of extra money laying around to spend? Nope. I didn't think so. Here's a list of 10 items that are overpriced and carry a giant markup when you purchase them. Its funny, I think of it often -- my mind is just geared that way, I guess. From text messages to Starbucks to bottled water.......we need to think smarter and stop opening our wallets as often. We need our own money more than anybody else needs it.

And speaking of something that just isn't quite right.....I ran across this startling article including disturbing information on the number of suicides in our country's military ranks right now. Four soldiers at Fort Hood, Texas, over just last weekend alone took their lives. My buddy who returned from Iraq recently tells us quite the stories of stress and mental strain that lurk in the bodies of many of our military folks. We do a very poor job of taking care of those who have volunteered their own lives for our nation's good.

My MIL is now in her new assisted living home. Its quite nice. Meals, baths, laundry, house cleaning, cable TV, phone, electricity, medications, treatments, transportation....all provided. I'd live there! She is a woman quite easily prone to anxiety-ridden moments. So it doesn't really matter where she is or how good it is....there will always be trouble. But I must admit that it feels better to us that she is safe and watched over. They will do a 30-day assessment at the end of one month to see if they feel she is still a good fit for the property and that her needs don't exceed what they can provide. We're keeping our fingers crossed that she recognizes that she's not in Club Med.

My hiatus from Facebook has been quite nice. I haven't missed it much at all. And the free time that I now have, and the lack of self-induced pressure, have been more than welcome. I'll be back on from time to time .... but it will not be like before. My life needs some attention right now. Its not right. Something is amiss and it must be controlled soon.