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Wednesday, January 09, 2008

I Don't Think I'm American


I don't think I'm American. (Well, there are days I wish I weren't, but that's a whole other bottle of wine.) In spite of the hoards of you who couldn't live a day without them, I absolutely cannot stand ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, or relish....amongs other things. Don't like 'em. Never have. Can't see that it'll change anytime soon. I've thought about it. Long and hard (bad boys, get outta the gutter). I guess it's the vingear deal. I'm not big on anything vinegary...gotta have sugar and spices to break it up. Also don't get off on (again, out of the gutter) salad dressing (using it is a relatively new thing for me)...and never the creamy mayonnaisey (Scrabble word??) kind. Caesar? Never. Yup, I'm picky. Don't like meat (for the third, and final, time...eek yourselves out of the gutter) either. I have to have at least two items at my meals...one crunchy, like chips or veggies or salad. I could never eat a sandwich all by itself...it has to have a "go with." And I don't do well with separate courses either. I like to have my soup, salad, main entree, and assorted side components all together in front of me at the same time. Restaurants hate this, by the way....they're always trying to slip the salad out from in front of me so they can bring out the big guns....but I hold on to it tight and wait for the main course to arrive first.


So, I've decided that I'm just not an American. I don't like hot dogs with mustard or relish, hamburgers with ketchup, or sandwiches with mayonnaise. (Have you ever tried to order things without mayo, by the way? It's next to impossible for a restaurant to get it right....it's just plain old automatic in most kitchens to slap that disgusting white cream (I told you before....it was my last gutter warning) on everything. I just send it back. And wait.) I like it dry. Just plain. Well, I do like teriyaki and bar-b-que sauce. Does that count?


29 comments:

Nathan said...

Eh, you like what you like. Some people call it being picky, but I prefer to think of it as just being decisive :)

You eat what you like and like what you eat.

Kelly said...

I hate mayo and mustard too... though i do like ketchup on the side... and yes, most places typically screw up whatever sandwich i order PLAIN with CHEESE... but at least it is hot when they do get it done right

Mike said...

Piffle. You are totally UN-American, but just because you told us five or six times to get our minds out of the gutter.

As IF!!!

And I'm with you, though only on the ketchup thing. Can't stand the stuff. And I do so get tired of the looks I get when I ask for a side of mustard/mayo for fries, a burger, or anything damned thing in the "fast food" category.

Laurie said...

That's alright, I still love ya.
I on the other hand can't live
without my ranch dressing.
Sometimes though I like just a
little bit of olive oil.

Lemuel said...

Nothing vinegary? Don't come to PEE-AYY we pickle EVERYTHING! (And I'll let it up to you to find a double entendre somewhere in that. :) )

bardelf said...

No meat and nothin' vinegary! Oh my. Guess you won't be eating any barbecue here in North Carolina.

Actually, I eat very healthy. One of the joys of middle age is having your doctor change your diet and eating habits. I've learned to truly love salad. And did I mention high fiber snacks? Munch on, munch on!

Doug said...

Wow that's a lot of rules.

I'm guessing you just never applied ketchup, mustard, mayonnaise, and such to the right places. Er, I mean, on the right food. Yeah, that's what I meant. Really. ;)

Oh, and please, keep your mind in the gutter. Where it belongs.

don said...

Not even Dijon mustard? Sigh.

Try hummus on hamburgers. It's a great alternative. I also like it in baked potatoes.

Ur-spo said...

real americans eat maize, squash, and and bison - all of it.
the rest of us are 'imports'

Palm Springs Savant said...

well as long as you like chocolate you are OK

Dave2 said...

I put ketchup and mayo on everything. Sometimes I think everything I choose to eat is based on whether society would condemn me for putting ketchup and mayo on it.

Breenlantern said...

You should have written the script for "300." This post was WAY more homerotic, despite your protests. For some people, sexual innuendo is so ingrained they just can't say anything that isn't laced with double entendre. havinf said that, perhaps I can help you find other substances you may enjoy ingesting more..*eg*

RAD Homo said...

No go on Ketchup, mustard,
mayonnaise, or relish. Sorry I need the white creamy stuff....Now get your mind out of the gutter! LOL...The rest I can do without. But I need a little mayo sometimes.

Cooper said...

And here I thought I was Canadian ... and I love ketchup, mustard (Dijon... yum!), mayonnaise and any kind of relish! I like an extra crunch with my sandwiches, too ... pickles, chips, raw vegetables.

The view from the gutter can be good sometimes. Just saying.

David said...

Nowadays I don't buy that anything is particularly American, diet-wise, aside from the fattening nature of it. No condiments? No big deal to me.

G Cracker said...

You don't like them, maybe. But you have the option of eating them, so in my book you're as American as anybody.

It's those people who *can't* eat those things, those are the real un-Americans. They should be driven out of the country!

Did I mention my tomato allergy? :P

Michael Guy said...

What about "Miracle Whip" Lewis? That's sorta fake mayo.

I prefer that over real mayonnaise.

I don't do pickle relish. No sir. That radioactive green stuff is not going anywhere near my hot dog.

dandyray said...

I see. So, if not American, then what?

dandyray said...

Which reminds me, I can't really remember just what it was you did eat at bbq's as a kid.

Spamouflage said...

I feel the same about steaks. I live in Western Canada and every special occasion is marked with a steak. "Can I have the chicken burger please". I usually get a look that says: "Shut your gob you little princess". Oh well.

"W" said...

So yeah...totally in agreement. I can do without the condiments. BBQ and Teryaki excluded. Not a huge meat eater either. And definitely NO MAYO!

D-Man said...

I'm calling Homeland Security RIGHT NOW!!!!

Well, we can always go and get Thai food... again... ;)

savante said...

Well I'm not into additives as well :P Never lay on the ketchup unless the food really sucks.

Wayne said...

I like "EVERYTHING"! I'll eat anything! Okay lewis, now get your mind out of the gutter! ;-)

Billy said...

Not into the creamy stuff either - a nice balsamic and olive oil dressing is way better. Hubby, on the other hand must be a pseudo American - slaps mayo on bloody everything...

Atari_Age said...

Nathan's point is spot-on: It's what you like or don't like. So?

Depends on where you live, too. Think I can get a hot dog with sauerkraut in Boston. Ha! They think you mean sour cream.

I mean, I personally couldn't live without ketchup (it's a bevarage, not a condiment). But I despise when people tell others "eeew, you like (or don't like) XXX?!? That's gross." If you like it you like it. No one else has to eat the way you do.

WAT said...

No, my mind is not getting out of the gutter. It's deep in there. SO DEEP!

CJ said...

I like foreigners!:)
I don't think I've eaten a hot dog in over a decade. Of any kind:(

Keith said...

I also don't care much for ketchup or what Americans call "mustard" (that yellow stuff), and mayonnaise can definitely be overdone. But real ground mustard is wonderful, and horseradish goes well with everything beefy. I slather it all over my boyfriend all the time!

But I think it's very American to have all the courses sitting on the table at the same time. That was the way my parents (both from the Midwest originally) did it, and I always thought of it as American farmhouse style or picnic style.