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Monday, October 25, 2010

Headed in the Wrong Direction

I could wait until January 1...the New Year. Or wait until my birthday, which comes next February. It could be a formalized New Year's Resolution. Or I could just say it out.... today .....and see what happens. I'm headed in the wrong direction.

I'm not happy with where my life is right now. I am 48 years old and am not living my life the way I want it to be lived. My life is at least half over and I do not want the second half of my short time on earth to be reflective of the way it is going today. It is not feeling like the way I want it to be. I'm sort of happy but not overly. I have some fun, but do not allow myself to indulge....I never have. It's just not right. It is not me.

There, I've said it. That's the first step...right? I am a positive person. Seriously, I am. I look generally for the good in any situation but have a very fair balance of realism tucked into my world views. But the last few years of my life, the middle age piece of it, has not looked like my earlier years. I just don't feel like myself any longer. I suppose that age definitely has something to do with it. Things do change, you know. But I was hoping that things would change for the better, not the worse. I've tinkered with bouts of depression in recent years. Something that has never been a part of my life in the past. I feel like I'm in a tunnel with no way out, like the pressure of the world is just too much. Like I don't want to do anything, go anywhere, be with people, or participate in activities. I've quit the gym....although I have gone back to yoga the last few weeks. I enjoy my time with friends but they are overshadowed by this tempered feeling of blah...mediocre. I just don't have a lot of fun anymore. And all of that is, quite simply, not me.

I used to be the sort of guy who was a go-getter. A rebel rouser, a confidant, a person who would get things done pronto. I'm the guy who others would come to for advice and help. Not anymore. My world view is slanted and dark. I'm jaded. I'm irritated, angry and upset by crap....nothing. I leave yoga and within minutes, seconds!, I'm flipped out at silly drivers around me. My yoga instructor said it best recently: That we practice. Daily. Over and over. Repeatedly. We keep on working at it.

I am 48 years old and don't really have an answer. I have some ideas. But they must be put into motion, action, for them to work. And that's what I'm having trouble with nowadays. Action. I want to be like my mom when I am her age.....not like others who act their old age, can't move around, are cranky and nasty. And I can see myself becoming the dark side of that and I do not like it. Who knows where things are headed but I do know that I don't want them to continue for much longer being the way they are today. No, I'm not suicidal, so stop worrying. But if I were, I can't easily see where things may head. That's hard to hear from Mister Positive, isn't it?

So instead of waiting until New Years or my birthday or some other appropriate time, I thought I'd just toss it out to you...to the world....the breezes of the globe. For practice. For help. For honesty.


Anonymous said...

I totally get this post and I can relate to most of it accept the 48 part because I'm only 42. I need to do something to shake it all up, would you like to skydive with me or perhaps tour Antarctica?

Ur-spo said...

get technical
make a list of what is missing/where you would like to go/do. Start vague, get more specific; it will help you focus what you want to do next.

Lemuel said...

Ah, some of us have learned to embrace our nasty, cranky side and find great *joy* in it. :-D
(Seriously, hoping you find that spark in life that will refresh your soul.)

Rick said...

I like Spo's suggestion. Get out a notepad, a cup of tea and some quiet time and get specific.

Ask yourself, what didn't you do to get to where you wanted?

Dave2 said...

I went through this when I hit birthday 42. It's the second step that's the hard one, because identifying the areas you want to change that will actually have positive results is tough!

The biggest change I made was to do my best to ignore other people's drama. I noticed that it was spilling in my life and wrecking havoc, influencing my life in negative ways and making me bitter when I really had no cause to be that way. This change made a world of difference, and everything got a lot easier after that because I was able to focus on my life rather than being overwhelmed by others.

Good luck to you, sir!

Birdie said...

First things first: make sure it's not medical. Get a physical and have blood work done. Your depression may have a physical cause.

I know the funk you're in, and I was in the same place at the same age. I decided to quit waiting for fun things to come my way and went out looking for it. I have taken the reins and I'm having the time of my life. Granted, I'm having to make new friends, as my old friends didn't do the things I wanted to try. But even for an introvert like me, making new friends is life-giving. I wake up in wonder every morning at the life I'm living now, and I can't wait to see what comes next. (Meeting you someday is on that list, BTW.) Follow your heart, sweetie, and toss out others' expectations at what happiness looks like. You're amazing and insightful, and I have every confidence you will find your way.

CJ/Rick said...

Well Lewis. What are we going to do? I feel much like you but I'm sitting here wondering why you're feeling like this. Here I am a middle aged man that has never really "come out". I know no gay people that I am aware of and I rarely socialize with the straight people I know. I just don't have the energy after work or weekends.
So a list sounds like a good place to start Lewis, I will keep a close eye on your success.

Nick UK said...

Lewis sorry to hear you sounding so low, like Birdie said you should think about getting all the body bits checked out, blood work can show up a lot.
Also think Ur-spo is right about a list. Having said all that sometimes I just feel blue and just have to live through it till life gets brighter.

BosGuy said...

Sometimes I'm better at fooling myself (I think its called denial)than I give myself credit for. I give you credit for putting it out for all to read and wish you well. I'm more of an extrovert and get my energy from people around me so I would look outward rather than inward for inspiration, but whatever path you take - best of luck to you. I'll be reading to get updates.

ShawnyBoy said...

I understand where you're coming from. I'm just past my mid 30's & I feel like I’m' having my mid-life crisis. I'm restless, confused, tired, bitter and generally confused about my life right now. But on the other hand I'm having a huge creative spurt right now, I'm getting acupuncture, I feel like there are possibilities. The hope that things will change. I'm baffled by it all but I feel like something better is just over the next rise. That's what keeps me going. I'm feeling a shift. A gentle building of something. I don't know what, but it's something. I've had a Tarot reading done and it's said the same thing.

Things change. I think we go thru personal changes like the earth goes thru warming & cooling periods. Go with the flow is all I can recommend. I can give you the name of my acupuncturist if you want. She does energy work and even reads auras. Text me if you want her info. And know that you are loved. It's not the quantity of time but the quality of time spent with people. I have always enjoyed my time spent with you and always will. Hang in there my friend. xoxoxo

Anonymous said...

Dear Lewis,

There are times that I feel exactly as you do now. I am 45. I especially feel lonely at times...although I enjoy my alone time. It's weird.

I have become more introverted, and at times just want to be left alone. I feel happy, though, or at least content, at the moment. Life is filled with crap we HAVE to do, I so look forward to a day when I only have to do what I WANT to do.

Anyway, no great pearls of wisdom, but I love you, and hope your funk clears.


Mimi said...

I think I've found my long lost twin.
A journey is no fun without pit stops, or should that be falls? Whatever, thanks for letting me know I'm not alone.

madhouse 6 said...

i love this post. really love it. i want to be the same way....