Monday, July 07, 2008
What Is This Cloud Under Which I Layeth?
Right off the bat, I must tell you....I'm not a person prone to depression. I recall a bit of "that feeling" as a teenager for a short time perhaps related to sexuality struggles. But it has never been a part of my life and I'd never classify myself as being depressed. I generally operate with a positive attitude, generally happy, and really wouldn't know what depression felt like unless it hit me over the head -- which it may be trying to. My great friend at Idle Eyes and a Dormy posted last week about a cloud being over him. And it hit me. I have had those fleeting feelings off and on over the past two years or so. I haven't really been able to put them into words or identify them easily because I plain old am not familiar with them. But that's exactly it. Just a lack of zip or pep. No real energy for anything. Nothing kicks me up or makes me elated. It does come and go -- and doesn't linger for much more than a few hours or a day. And I know full well that "getting an upper" or "treating myself" to this or that is not the adult-like well balanced answer. I don't have suicidal feelings or anything like that. And it's not related to such things as the weather. In fact, I love the cloudy, rainy winter months. I have a job, good benefits, a car, a beautiful home, a fantastic partner, and lots of great friends. Truth is, I want for nothing. That's why it's so odd. There are just days that I'd rather not do anything....no movie, no dinner, no friends, no phone calls, no laundry, no nothing. Absolutely nothing turns me on during these times. I've even mentioned out loud that "I'd like to just pull a rock over my head today." Now, my friends, that's not like me at all. So, I don't really know. I have no answers. I can't really clearly evaluate the feelings. It's weird. But I've seen numerous of you blog about it from time to time. And I knew you'd understand.