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Monday, July 07, 2008

What Is This Cloud Under Which I Layeth?

Right off the bat, I must tell you....I'm not a person prone to depression. I recall a bit of "that feeling" as a teenager for a short time perhaps related to sexuality struggles. But it has never been a part of my life and I'd never classify myself as being depressed. I generally operate with a positive attitude, generally happy, and really wouldn't know what depression felt like unless it hit me over the head -- which it may be trying to. My great friend at Idle Eyes and a Dormy posted last week about a cloud being over him. And it hit me. I have had those fleeting feelings off and on over the past two years or so. I haven't really been able to put them into words or identify them easily because I plain old am not familiar with them. But that's exactly it. Just a lack of zip or pep. No real energy for anything. Nothing kicks me up or makes me elated. It does come and go -- and doesn't linger for much more than a few hours or a day. And I know full well that "getting an upper" or "treating myself" to this or that is not the adult-like well balanced answer. I don't have suicidal feelings or anything like that. And it's not related to such things as the weather. In fact, I love the cloudy, rainy winter months. I have a job, good benefits, a car, a beautiful home, a fantastic partner, and lots of great friends. Truth is, I want for nothing. That's why it's so odd. There are just days that I'd rather not do anything....no movie, no dinner, no friends, no phone calls, no laundry, no nothing. Absolutely nothing turns me on during these times. I've even mentioned out loud that "I'd like to just pull a rock over my head today." Now, my friends, that's not like me at all. So, I don't really know. I have no answers. I can't really clearly evaluate the feelings. It's weird. But I've seen numerous of you blog about it from time to time. And I knew you'd understand.

17 comments:

dit said...

I do completely understand Lewis. I feel this way sometimes also. I was thinking it was my age. Or perhaps that I need to "move on" from a few things ands do not know how. Not an easy thing to figure out. Take care.

Nathan said...

While I have no answers for the cause of it, I absolutely understand
Hugs!

Birdie said...

Having too much experience in this area, I'd say you are describing depression. BUT recognizing it is half the battle. Is it really affecting your life? If it is as momentary as you say—and even a full day is really momentary—then just let it happen or find coping strategies to deal with it, and ask for your partner's help. (Your behavior might be affecting him too.)

If it becomes frequent or lengthy or in any way interferes with your life, SEE A DOCTOR to look for physical causes. Follow her advice from there. And good luck, sweetie.

Lemuel said...

I'm sorry you are having periods of feeling low. As long as I read you, you have always come across as a very "up" person.

Though far away, I hold you as a friend close to my heart until that time that your spirit is renewed.

Breenlantern said...

we've already swapped e-mails on this but I want to just say "meeting" you has been a true blessing and for what it's worth, I'm here always....

afod said...

I hope you kick those feelings to the curb quickly. Many times it's when I am facing a lot of impending changes. And you have a big move coming up and shift in living "lifestyle" from home to condo.

Ur-spo said...

sorting through 'the blues' and clinical depression is a challenge.
some hints it is more than the blues -
you feels depressed or down most of the time if not all of the time
and
you have this regardless of what is going on
and
nothing feels 'good'
and
it is screwing up your life

if you say 'yes' to these, then it is probably depression and you should see your doc. Indeed, see your doc as it could be all sorts of 'physical' things like hypothyroidism etc.

Anthony said...

totally with you! even tho I want for nothing, every once in awhile i swear all i want to do is curl up in some corner and cry for the entire day. no rhyme. no reason. it just happens. just maje sure that the feeling passes. ennui is meant to pass.

"Just David!" said...

Treat it early, get some therapy. I never really got depressed either and then WHAM! I'm coming out of it now but it was a hard struggle with lots going on and I did have suicidal thoughts but alas, I didn't want to leave a mess. All that paperwork, I mean really! I like things tidy and my time will come soon enough without me rushing it! Ha!

bridgeout said...

I wonder what it is in this world that so many of us, unrelated... but somehow connected in this human experience... can be going through similar things. I feel for ya friend! Last week all I could really say was "Here I am stalled at the intersection of angst and apathy..."
There really is no easy answer, is there? But in your sharing, I think you offer hope to many who are periodically struggling. {HUGS}!
PS- it was neat to learn a new word today... "ennui"... from anthony.

travelling, but not in love said...

It gets me like that somedays too. yuk.

Hey Lewis, I was getting my bag off the carousel at CDG today and the next flight due on that belt was the new service from Portland. Made me think of you - so close, yet so far...

tbnil x

Mark in DE said...

I recommend that you have a physical to check for anything 'physical' that may be causing this. Be sure to tell the doctor the reason for the physical.

If everything turns out 'normal' then I'd recommend talking about this with a good therapist. They are trained to help people discover themselves, and may be able to help you 'discover' what's going on.

Best wishes, buddy.

Mark :-)

Java said...

Oh yes, dear, I understand. And it is OK to treat yourself to something special when you feel like this.

RAD said...

Here for you too! Your much to cute to be under a gray cloud handsome...Things seem to be going well maybe you have too much on your plate with the move and all?? Mark In De may be on to something too...Go see the doc kay? hugs!!

tornwordo said...

I'd chalk it up to hormones. After all, they are driving the bus.

The Neighbors Will Hear said...

Sounds like a mid-life crisis to me. Buy a Ferrari, trade in the partner for a trophy wife with massive fake boobs, drink too much, go into rehab, give half your net worth to the trophy wife in the divorce, come crawling home to your partner, and then everything will go back to normal. You should be able to do all that by next Thursday.

CJ said...

Damn. I feel I have failed you as a fellow blogger.:(
Don't we all feel this way from time to time? I'm not sure. I know I do and more so in the last few years. I used to be on the go all the time and family and friends would call me "nasty nice" cause I was always cleaning.lol Not so anymore. I too attribute it to age and me getting fatter. I mean when you're in the back 40 what can you say?
Thinking of you Lewis.