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Wednesday, January 21, 2009

The Air of Embarassment

May I just tell you that running like hell home from work after a multi-hour delay because of a disparaged Captain, changing into skimpy gay yoga attire, and driving the Camry Hybrid like a mad man while trying to pass up the TriMet #33 Fremont bus to get to the gym on time is not a good idea. I arrived to a full parking lot (again) and forgot my yoga mat in the car....which I didn't realize until I was all of the way up to the classroom. I had been gone from home since 5:15am and it was now nearing 4pm. I wanted so badly to make it to the gym and yoga this afternoon. Alas, it was only to be the yoga for today. I arrived frazzled but glad to be there. Without my nice mat. Oh well, I'll just use one from the club....except that they are not large enough and they are slick.....neither of which is acceptable when trying to do yoga poses. So, I find my friend Dave and we settle down together at the back of the room up against the windows that open up to the beautiful winter sky and sunshine beaming in.

The music begins a few minutes before 4....the music varies depending on the instructor. But today it was zen-sort-of-stuff. Protocol has it that you really should stretch out and begin to meditate during this time. Talking and other such activity is sin and could easily send you straight to hell (just ask the last person that was talking during this quiet time....it wasn't pretty). So Zen Music and Gay Boy Meet No Mat gets started. We typically begin in a seated position, legs crossed, and arms out on the knees, open and palms up for release. Eyes closed. All is well. Except for this one little teeny tiny thing. Flatulence. And, believe me, once that bad boy has escaped, there's really not much else that can be done to lower expectations any further. I mean, I've heard it a few times but from other people. Not pretty. Oh, but hey, there's one good thing. At least I had decided to move my undersized slick yoga club mat out of the way and sit right straight on the floor -- the wooden floor that makes all noises sound just that much greater than they really are. Lucky me. (Note to self: Keep eyes closed, don't glance anywhere, show no emotion, pretend like it wasn't you.)

I struggled through the whole hour. I tried to do as much of the hour with my eyes closed today...a little personal challenge for enhancing focus and challenging my body. But it was quite obvious that I haven't been to class as regular as of late. I fought my way through Warrior III pose, Dancer's Pose and a few others that brought extra beads of sweat to an already frazzled brow and embarrassed ass. My final remarks to my buddy Dave were that "I sure am a pussy." It's obvious that I have work to do. And less cauliflower and broccoli in my diet.

15 comments:

Blair said...

Ahhhh jeeesh......and then he comes home with delicious Chinese food from our favorite Chinese Restaurant. I appreciated it so much as I have been feeling under the weather the past couple of days....and then I read this! And it is too cold to sleep with the windows open....

Iron Fist said...

well...that just means the yoga is working, because you were really, really relaxed.

annie said...

good thing you didn't have hard-boiled eggs first, huh! they are stinky! hahahahahaha brother... that's a great lesson in focus and disregarding what's going on around you. (or coming out of you, for that matter)!

Ur-spo said...

music during a yoga class intrigues me.
My teacher did not allow such on the grounds it distracted from practice
In contrast I like music at home when I do yoga. I find it pleasant (but no Patsy Cline).

Tony (LT) said...

Lordy...this Cracked. Me. Up.

At least you didn't go one step further and have your nuts fall outta your shorts and get sweat-pasted to you mat.

travelling, but not in love said...

Lewis, we ALL need less cauliflower in our diets. Why that food isn't illegal, I don't know.

Lemuel said...

Before I got to your one statement I was thinking that all of this was just a "yoga" challenge to you to see if you could shut out all those distractions and go to that good place.

bridgeout said...

AH!!! I fell for ya! Oh, the humanity! To modify one of my college roommates famous frequent quotes ("everybody poops"): "everybody farts!" (Maybe that could be sung to the tune of "everybody hurts")

bridgeout said...

(that was I FEEL for ya...) ;)

Ultra Dave said...

It could always be worse!

Mark in DE said...

OMG I can just imagine it! Its my greatest fear. I'm hoping to try an introductory yoga class next Wed. Note to self: no raw veggies, beans, cole slaw, or deviled eggs at least 24 hours prior to yoga!

Doug said...

I'd imagine it's hard to keep your balance in Warrior 3 and Dancer Pose when your stern thruster is firing randomly. ;)

Funny how yoga experiences differ. Ur-Spo and his no-music yoga. You and your no-talking-before-class yoga. I've never had a class without music (we did have a drone once, but I still consider that music), and there's almost always some discussion before class, frequently with the instructor.

Steven said...

AAACCCKKK!! It won't only be the mat that you will remember next time. But hopefully everyone else will have forgotten about it!

tornwordo said...

Good thing I wasn't there as I would have melted into giggles and gone straight to hell, lol.

Brettcajun said...

I AM LAUGHING MY ASS OFF AT THIS POST. I would have turned BEET RED... and everyone would KNOW. LOL!