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Tuesday, February 17, 2009

The Repeated Struggle

Why is it that sometimes we want more for others than they want for themselves? I know that you understand exactly the plane from which I'm operating.....you see someone and their struggle and you want it to be different for them than it is. Sometimes it changes, many times it does not. No matter what happens, they seem to keep on dealing with the same issues over and over, year after year. In fact, in some situations, they actually appear to LIKE their circle of dysfunction. Hubby and I have had this conversation many times in our 12 years together. Someone drinks too much and we wish they'd not do so. Someone else struggles with being overweight -- they talk about it, pretend to try and eat well, they even talk about other people who are overweight -- and yet they change nothing. Their unhealthiness continues. And others are left to wish they could get their head and heart around their situation and get a handle on it once and for all. Or possibly a friend who is in the closet tries and tries to get out of it. But their family or friends or "situation" just precludes them from doing so. And people like us who are around them wish and hope and dream that they could be true to themselves -- but we know that they never will....they'll go to their graves with a secret. Or what about those who just never seem to have enough money to pay for their own way to dinner or the things in their lives that they not only need, but want. But on the other hand, they have plenty of money when it comes time for spending it in ways that we may not choose to. Or those that go to counseling year after year after year -- only to never get ahead. The same struggle they faced ten years ago is still with them today. And how about those who seem to exude gloom and doom whenever you're around them....they suck the life right out of you. You may even give them a magazine article or special book meant to help bring new light to their situation....but, "no thanks"....they don't want it. They actually appear to love the negative life they lead. I'm here to say that I hate the repeated gloom and doom. Hate. It.

You know full well that there are folks in their lives, like us, who wish and hope and pray for a different level of happiness in their lives. We want their struggle to stop. We even get sick and tired of hearing about it throughout the years, don't we? I know I do. It's like we'd almost like them to stop talking about the situation if they aren't willing to do anything about it. You can look right into their lives and know that if they did this or that, they'd be so much better off. It's easy to diagnose, simple to spot, and yet they can't seem to.

Possibly they are happy. I'm doubting that it's true in a very high percentage of cases, but it is possible, I will concede. I have a hard time thinking that anyone could be truthfully happy while struggling through their entire lives. But then there is this thing that we focus on in yoga from time to time -- that we develop the ability to see the good and the light in others. Namaste. And that, kids, is one hell of a big job sometimes. I think it's going to be an ongoing journey for me. I'll bet that hubby and I will still be having this conversation many years from now. Wishing and hoping the best for others, even if they can't get to it for themselves.

15 comments:

Robert said...

Hi Arnie! I feel you! I really do. It's a struggle for everyone most certainly including myself. People are just people. I believe there's a time for everything... Sometimes it's tomorrow, yet other times, it's never.

It can be very frustrating for the outsiders, for me, I think the best thing to do is to offer them understanding and compassion... Most times, that's all one can do.

Namaste.

annie said...

how very true, indeed. in recovery i strive to 'C' my way out of an 'A' and 'B' issue that doesn't involve me. turns out, that's just about everything! i want, hope, and can pray for others - but it's an individual's right to trudge whatever road of crap they want to. ugh! it is refreshing, however, to bow out and not have to make a "triangle" out of everything around me. big hearts like yours are the ones who keep the hope alive!

wcs said...

People... people who need people... are the lucki...

Oh no, now I'm lapsing into Babs. It doesn't take much, let me tell you.

And it's all very true, what you observe. I don't know what makes some people hang on to negatives so much, unable to move beyond them and make change. Like so many battered women who can't leave their tormentors, they might not think they deserve more, or that change is even possible.

I think I watched too much Phil Donahue back in the 70s.

Breenlantern said...

Ouch...you could have just sent this to me in private. Did you really need to go lambasting me in public like this? And, HEY, I SAID I liked and appreciated the article you sent me in my blog.

See, now, originally I thought it would be funny to pretend you were talking about me. Now I'm all paranoid that you are and I'm too dense to realize it...I am such a loser....oh, and I hate being fat and broke, too.

Kelly said...

Good Lord, I could have been or could be all these situations... yikes... though to be honest, I think people who always seem to struggle through something unconsciously bring it on themselves. Once they are on the high road and doing well, something in their head snaps to throw them into another bad situation... all these things can be avoided from the start, but we find ourselves ignoring the obvious signs until it is too late... Also, I know a couple of people who also thrive on taking care of others (helping them out). Whether a family member or close friend. I think we all have a secret desire to have consistant drama in our lives, whether it is our own or someone elses... great post.. thought provoking and I will have to post on thet topic later tonite...

Atari_Age said...

Boy do I resemble this!

RAD said...

holy smokes! good post--thought provoking indeed... made me think...hope it wasnt anyting to do with me...well in a way it all does hit certain spots anyhow...hmm

RAD said...

holy smokes! good post--thought provoking indeed... made me think...hope it wasnt anyting to do with me...well in a way it all does hit certain spots anyhow...hmm

bridgeout said...

These thoughts resonate with me on such a deep level. I go through cycles in my work where I feel this frustration and wonder why do I put so much energy into trying to make a difference. So far, I always come back to it still being worth the energy.
Namaste friend.

Laurie said...

Hey Sweetie....I know what you
mean...

TACKLE YOU HUGS!!!!!!!!!

Dan said...

Uh-oh! I felt a little twinge of the same feelings as Breenlantern described in his comment, as in "Oooh, could you be talking about me?"

Seriously, I think most of us struggle in some trap or other we set for ourselves. I think the problem is more a matter of degree: How much do we let our problems control us versus how much are we still able to see outside ourselves to be there for our friends?

I can't speak for myself, but Breenlantern, I think you have nothing to worry about!

electrocummer said...

wait, are u talking about me? see above! ha ha ha

Ur-spo said...

You hit that spot on.
I find that there are many reasons for 'not moving on', but two reasons stand out -
A) fears of the unknown viz. whatwill life be like without the comfort of sorrow?
and
B) inability to forgive someone/thing/self

WAT said...

This is an interesting post. On the one hand, I understand that personal responsibility is very important and essential in people bettering and moving forward towards brightening their lives, but not everyone is as strong or able to cope/deal with the pressures of daily living.

Doom and gloom! OOOOOOOO WEEEEEEE! I take care of that problem with myself by having lots of sex! LOLOLOL!

Mark in DE said...

Yes, I know what you mean. It can be frustrating indeed when it appears that others want something positive for someone else more than that person wants it for themselves. But that's the thing: we can only control our own lives. We can help others who want our help, but we can't "fix" them. They have to want it and work for it themselves, which makes it hard for us onlookers.