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Sunday, November 15, 2009

The Rottenness of My Insides

So, I've had this thing nagging me inside for a while. Years, in fact. And it's just not going away. And yesterday my friend over at Lelo in Nopo posted this. About putting out good in the world in spite of the fact that we have a totally messed up world. I read her post and commented on it: "I agree...I really do. I think about this regularly, all of the time. Honestly. But I have such a difficult time putting it into practice. Sometimes I do. Many times I don't. I find myself thinking terrible things about terrible people. I'm trying. I guess I'll keep on doing so. Because I believe in the good, I really do. Thanks for the reminder."

Diving into yoga a year ago has made my thought processes even more pronounced inside of me. And having certain people and situations in my life around me has simply added to my giant fight. The bottom line is this: There are people that I do not like, nor care for, nor like their actions, nor like their choices, nor nor nor nor. That's it. That's the simple, honest, truth. I could hide it and say that I don't have those feelings. I could lie and say that I'm all about this send-good-into-the-world-sort-of-yoga-ish thing. And I am most of the time. But there are plenty of times when I'm not. I have a long list of things that irritate me and send my ire sky-high. At the end of each yoga class, we finish after savasana by saying "We give honor to the good in ourselves and in all others....Namaste." And nearly every time I say that, with my hands folded at my heart, my eyes closed and in silence, I question it. But maybe that's the point, eh? The questioning. The reminding myself of it. The habitual doing of it, over and over. Maybe that's what I need to continue reminding me of my humanity, my frailness, my weakness. Perhaps it will always be the thorn in my side that tries to keep me humble and attentive to the feelings inside. And now you all know what a rotten person I am inside sometimes. And that's my sermon for today.

14 comments:

Ultra Dave said...

It is a battle in all of us. There is good and bad in all of us. What determines who we are in the end is how many times we chose the good over the bad. It is something we will always do till our last breath.

anne marie in philly said...

I hears ya...I have 22 members in my art group...there is one person I really can't stand, a "debbie downer" type...but ya take the good members with the bad...and occasionally "debbie" weighs in with a point of view that gets us all talking.

so we are all human. with failings.

LeLo said...

It's a struggle, and precisely because of that, I think, makes you a compassionate, honest and real person. It's not easy for me and because I'm so sensitive to others and things around me, I often pick up the frustration and anger of others and hold onto it as it was my own. I have to continue to bring myself back to myself, to my core, and to act from my core, which I know is a golden good place. It's a struggle it's a struggle it's a struggle.
Namaste my friend.

Larry Ohio said...

I believe life is a struggle between selfishness and selflessness (and not between good and evil). It is in our nature to be selfish. We humans, as well as every other animal on earth, are wired to be selfish. We hoard things, need more and more of the things that give us pleasure, defend that which we claim as ours (sometimes to the death), steal, murder. We think of this as 'evil' but it's not. It's just the way we are.

It takes great effort to rise above this instinct and learn to trust others, to share, to be nice and respectful, and to give to others even if that means we ourselves must do without. Our ability to overcome this instinct makes us superior to the other animals. We think of this behavior as 'good' but it is not. It is merely the absence of selfishness.

Lewis, when I read your post I got a peak into the soul of a man who seems to be feeling guilty for having feelings of selfishness. Don't feel guilty. It's not a failing. It's called being human. It's all part of our struggle to be better than animals.

Ur-spo said...

every person has their shadow side
you don't have anything we don't all have
I like to think of your yoga philosophy as something to do 'regardless', something we forever continue to work and try.

annie said...

brother, as we say in a 'program', "it's progress - not perfection". yes, you have strong feelings and are quite crotchetyishistic, but you are a good man. a gentle man. a kind man. a compassionate man. sometimes its just best if we keep our little mouths shut! cuz not too many people really care what we think. :-)

now, where are those damn tissues?

Birdie said...

Expectations can lead to a world of disappointment and pain. Don't expect from someone or yourself what they or you cannot give, regardless of how much better it would be.

I have to forgive to have peace. Forgive others for failing to be the person you want; forgive yourself for failing to be the person you hope. We all fall short. It's okay.

Anonymous said...

To paraphrase something I heard years ago on a scifi show ... We all have dark thoughts. To deny their existence is to invite them to escape.

Doug said...

You and me both. It's a journey we're all on, I think. The fact that you recognize the struggle, and see your shortcomings, is more rare. Try to not judge yourself so harshly, though. No one is perfect.

Jim said...

"We give honor to the good in ourselves and in all others (except Bob, fingers crossed, no returns on Bob)....Namaste."

Mark in DE said...

I feel your struggle. I think many of us do. Just remember that each day we have a new opportunity to be who and what we want. No regrets about yesterday. Just concentrating on making today as good as possible.

CJ/Rick said...

I'm grateful that there wasn't a lengthy Southern Baptist altar call following this sermon Lewis.
Some people are just evil and that's all I have to say.
I love that banner pic.

David said...

Sing "There's a Little Bit of Good in Everyone" from Chicago ten times and get back to me.

Michael Guy said...

Lewis, you are the least rotten person I know via the internet. Always got a positive point of view; you're an eternal optimist despite any struggle you may have regarding wanting to choke someone.

Besides you wouldn't look good in prison orange. HUGs...