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Saturday, November 21, 2009

Sunset North of Michigan

The sun had just gone down and was casting the most amazing brilliant redish-orangish glow in the sky off the right side of the aircraft. It was 2:20pm on my watch, three hours behind actuality. We were passing over the north of Michigan state, my First Class service was complete, and I sat down to read a single sentence in Armistead Maupin's book Michael Tolliver Lives. It's on page 14 if you're interested and it reads: "Some people think we finally become adults when both our parents have died; for me it happened when someone desired the person I'd become." It got me to thinking a bit introspectively about life, death, relationships, growing up, changing, or not changing.

It was then that the captain called me for a pee-pee break which means that I go into the flight deck while he comes out. It was dark up there as my eyes focused on the many bells and whistles and colored instrument panels that lay before me. I always glance at the big screen that shows where we are and which cities we're passing over and which airports are nearest to us in case we ever need to make an emergency diversion. And I saw the flight path which included a direct hit over Albany, New York. "KALB" is how it looks on the instrument in the airplane -- and don't ask me what the "K" stands for. I have no idea. I pour coffee for a living for god's sake.

Albany is home to many of my dear friends. I was headed to Boston, 160 miles east of Albany, for a one-night layover. I haven't been back to this area of the country since last July when we joined all of our Albany friends (and a million other sexy bear men) at Bear Week in Provincetown. What a super great week we had. But we also had a bit of trouble in P-Town. Potentially friend-threatening trouble. Totally skipping every single detail, because I simply cannot rehash it any more than I already have in my heart and soul, I will simply tell you that I got tears in my eyes as I tried to stare out the window ahead of our 500mph moving airplane last night. I was speaking with another friend recently who told me how much he valued me, both Blair and me. How much he enjoyed being around us and how much we meant to him. And that we would always be considered a valuable part of his life, no matter what. I started to cry during that phone conversation (god, is it my time of the month or what). I feel amazingly poorly about the rift, the crevice, that has been dumped into the middle of this beautiful friendship -- and into my life as a whole. So, we passed over KALB rapidly and discretely overhead. I wonder if my friends just happened to glance overhead and see me? Because I saw them.

And that reminds me, it's only a few days until the most thankful holidays of all....Thanksgiving.

15 comments:

Birdie said...

Ultimately, everyone will fail us at some point or another because we are human beings. We will do the same. So the parameters of friendship change; we learn where we can trust and to shift our expectations. Finally, we forgive, because the friendship is worth it. No friendship can endure lack of forgiveness.

Breenlantern said...

I've been looking up for months....

bridgeout said...

Oh how heart wrenching those times in life are when a friend lets us down... or somehow we both dropped a ball somewhere along the line and now... game over. I really like Birdie's comment...
HUGS...

annie said...

*sniff*. see? other people agree with the love that you are.

i'll send a box of tampax to you first thing monday morning.....

wcs said...

I had always heard that there is some kind of air beacon radar thingy (see how technical I can be?) near Albany, meaning that it's on the flight path of many planes of many airlines from many nations.

As a kid I always wondered why I saw so many planes in the sky that never landed. At least not where I was.

As for friendship, I'm not much help. But I suspect you don't really need much help in that department!

tornwordo said...

Too discreet. I thought you were more about the juicy details than that. I'll be in Boston next Friday, any chance you'll be back?

Geoff said...

Lewis, that was beautiful. I hope your friend saw you.

Ur-spo said...

Human beings are not very good at consistently being there or 'constant'. even my best of friends require I give them some charity from time to time. I hope they do no less for me.

Ryan said...

just wondering something how long we know each other huh? how many times i hit that ass of yours haha. my question is this how come u a anit a follower of my blog? ok im gonna go cry now.

kisses

Michael Guy said...

You know "BGF" (best gay friend) that I refer to in my blog?...well, we didn't speak for 20+ years because of some stupid, emotionally immature nothing that I turned into something. TWENTY YEARS of not speaking. The I grew up and forgave myself, owned my ignorance and we've been thick as thieves ever since.

Friends will let us down. And we will let our friends down, too. But it's within ourselves to forgive. Otherwise life is a bit lonely minus those folks who really matter.

Great, thought-provoking post; per usual. :)

Sandiboy66 said...

I think you are such a sween man. Even though we met briefly and email here and there, I consider you and Blair my friends. Just reading this blog shows what a sensative and caring man you are. That is something I appreciate in a man. Growing up, we are kind of taught to supress feelings like that. I am the type of man that will cry over a beautiful piece of music, I'll find that I am holding my breath when I see a beaautiful scene in nature. I will cry when I realize how much someone loves me. I'm tearing up now.
I just wanted to let you know you are special to me. We connected in Ptown and when you came to Albany, and I am grateful for that. As we get older, we seem to make fewer friends. I'm glad we met. I'm rambling now, so I'll go. XOXO

Mark in DE said...

One of the things I love about your blog is your humor. "Don't ask me what it stands for. I pour coffee for a living" cracked me up!

Another thing I love about your blog is how you are able to articulate complex feelings and emotions. I feel and struggle with them too, but am no where near as articulate as you when writing about them.

I hope you will be able to spend time with your Albany friends again soon and everything will fall into place.

XOXOXOXO

LSL said...

Hugs to you :)

And your "I pour coffee for a living" comment cracked me up.

goldibehr@livejournal said...

Google is amazing. Regarding the "K"...

It looks like different organizations assign different codes to the airports. Sometimes the codes for a particular airport agree, and sometimes they don't:

IATA Code: ALB
ICAO Code: KALB
FAA Code: ALB

So there you are.
Mike

CJ/Rick said...

You had me when describing the unbuttoned shirt.