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Thursday, February 25, 2010

Flesh and Spirit -- Revisited

You'll recall my last post Flesh and Spirit in which I outlined the possibility that we human beings are capable of good -- and we're definitely capable of bad. Last week on my birthday, I received nearly 100 emails, text messages, and phone calls from people, literally, around the globe. One of my emails came from a reader whom I've never met. In fact, I've never even heard of him. I had no idea who he was nor that he read my blog. That happens once in a while. He wished me a happy birthday. As a result of my Flesh and Spirit post, he emailed me again....with his own personal story that made me cry and cry as I tried to read it to my own LoverBoy this afternoon. I've asked his permission, and he granted it, to share his story. It further illustrates the capabilities that we have in our lives. It added depth to my post and impacted me greatly -- that someone, somewhere, who I've never even met, was reminded of their own past, the cracks in their own life. Enjoy his story with me:

Thanks for today's blog. It's good to keep in mind that each of us holds
the potential to do things we would never consider doing.

Years ago - Vietnam war era - I had a home, wife, two boys, a job and
just about everything except a dog and a white picket fence.

By way of background, I am a gay man, some would say bi, but my mind
does not work that way. I married because I wanted to have kids and the
amazing lady who married me knew I had previously been only with men.
Although she never admitted it, I think she considered my situation a
challenge to her feminine charms. We found I could be her good lover.
It was a kick to be her husband. On an occasion early in our lovemaking
we were so rambunctious her left shoulder became seriously dislocated
just as she was having an orgasm - the head of the humerus was halfway
down her ribcage. While she was screaming a mountain of profanity I
calmly restored her shoulder to normal as I had been trained to do when
I was a corpsman. She said, "Oh, that's so much better!" and we both
fell on the floor laughing.

One morning the wife informed me she was leaving with the boys and
wanted a divorce. Being ever reasonable I suggested she just have her
cute lover with the nice package move in with us. His big problem -
other than finding my wife fascinating, as did I - was that the draft
was blowing down his neck & he wanted to get away to Canada.

It's really annoying when your world comes crashing down on top of you.

As I was twisting and turning in the throes of despair I decided that
the main issue to resolve was how to make the best result for my sons.
My plan was to spare them all the anguish by killing them before I
killed myself. I got the baseball bat with which I would club them to
death when it occurred to me I could not club myself to death - I would
need to go jump off the golden gate bridge. Heights have always made me
anxious so I was not sure I could do that.

She moved to Canada with her lover and the boys, had a good life, moved
on to husband # 3 and gained fame. There were hundreds at her funeral
last year - including me. Our sons are fine men with families and good
careers. I have never forgotten that I came within moments of doing
the unthinkable, that I had within me the capacity to do what I could
not ever imagine doing. I know I am not unique in that regard because I
can read in the paper nearly every day about another father who did do
the unthinkable and my mind fills with compassion for his anguish.

5 comments:

Larry Ohio said...

Oh my Lord this is intense.

lehuutai said...

Great story!
Thanks for sharing.

Nick UK said...

Just goes to show that we all have it within us.....

Princessa lil mexico said...

Wonderful story. I cried. Thank you for sharing such a experience to go through.

Bridgeout said...

I have no words... except that I believe we *all* have within us the capacity to go heartrendingly into the depths... or lifesavingly into the blue.
Here is to the better angels of our nature...