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Saturday, February 13, 2010

Sausage In A Casing

So, here's how the edited version of this story goes. For the first time, we are going to attend Portland's Red Dress Party on April 17. It's an annual fundraiser for HIV/AIDS -- and everyone attending wears a red dress. Yep, even the boys. Especially the boys. So, we're going.

Yesterday, we just happened to be in the Nordstrom Rack. And, lo and behold, there it was. The coup de gras. A red dress on the clearance rack in the women's section....a section which I've never been in before. A perfectly acceptable, sexy, sassy and slinky red dress. Something that would make me feel more feminine. Something to help me embrace my inner femininity.

I picked it up, swirled it around, and quickly noted the size 6. "Size 6! I wouldn't be caught dead in a size 6!," I exclaimed. "I'll have to take it in a few notches," I continued. Only a few innocent bystanders were harmed during this encounter, I swear.

So, I get it home and slip into it. Well, not so much "slip" into it as wrestle the sausage into the casing. I tried it over the head. And then I tried to step into it. I mean, how in the world would I know how to get into a dress. And then, Pop! Goes the Weasel. It fell into place. My nipples perky and showing. I think I need pasties. And my little Buddha belly gently protruding. And then, the sad revelation that Daddy needs a size 8....or 10.

23 comments:

annie said...

hahaha, i simply can't stop laughing. there are tears in my eyes, literally. it never occurred to me that my brother wouldn't know how to put on a dress. i'm thinking maybe a specially padded bra and a wonder-girdle......

Dave2 said...

That's why I have all my dresses custom-made... I couldn't bear the disappointment!

Errr... if I wore dresses, that is...

Birdie said...

Where's the picture? You can't post this and expect us to be satisfied without the picture.

Doug said...

OMG I just woke Chris up I'm laughing so loudly! That's so fucking hilarious!

And I am totally with Birdie. How can you torture us like this?

wcs said...

Can you take it back and exchange it? I'd love to see the salesperson when you explain why you're returning it.

anne marie in philly said...

O...M...F...G...too funny!

I second birdie!

tornwordo said...

I've never put one on either, so I can relate. I was thinking girdle too, oh oh oh and you can get a silicone "bra" (as seen on tv) to fill out on top.

Jake said...

Haha! I loved this post.

I've never really thought about what dress size I would be, if the event ever arose and I needed to know, heh.

yes, post a picture!

Anonymous said...

James and I went a few years ago...we have a few accesorries if interested to make you evening worth remembering!
Edmund

Michael Guy said...

Were you cruising 'petites' again?!?

:) Yeah, we need to see pictures, sweetie!

Wayne said...

Like Birdie said, WHERE'S THE PICS!

Bridgeout said...

Oh Arnie... I can barely see the keys for laugh clouded eyes! WHEW!
PS- I'm with Birdie!!

Stephen said...

This will be our 3rd Red Dress event & it is the day after the Husband birthday... he is demented enough to think that there is a party with 3000 people in red dresses to honor his BD. I am wearing simple little tiny Halston number that Liza might have worn. I had to get it in a big girl size. Hope to see you there. VERY FUNNY POST... your nipples are perky!

Rob Inukshuk said...

Oh what a picture I have in my mind - too funny. You must let us see you in all your red finery!

Iron Fist said...

Is it that Red Dress time of year again? I'd better start doing some sit ups if I want to be able to squeeze into mine this year!

Lemuel said...

Why am I hearing "Lady in Red" being played in the background? :-D

Mark in DE said...

OMG - where is that digital camera when you need it!!!

christopherc said...

I am in the camp (pun intended) that would LOVE to see the photos of this little escapade!

Jim said...

So here you stand, hating on a size 10? You know that means you're a 30 waist. Claim it's your shoulders that are wide and not your hips, all the pretty girls do.

As for pasties, I say you double bag some bird seed in an old pantyhose and make mama some perky titties to push up what the good lord gave you.

No, I've never done that myself. Nope. Never.

Mr Whettams said...

I am sooooo glad to hear that you don't know how to put on a dress!

WAT said...

I like your main pic for your blog. Ya look good.

David said...

I always assumed you were a size 8 or 10 anyway.

Oh, are we still talking about dresses?

RAD said...

what do you want for your b day hunny? Hope you travels and week is going well....