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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

D Check

I've just finished an entire day of being on the edge of tears. With my eyes welling up over and over. I've said it before, I think it's my time of the month. In spite of my hard, crusty exterior you'll find that I have a soft and squish interior -- at least in part. Imagine, me having feelings. Ha!

If you don't know what a D Check is, it's an aircraft term. All aircraft go through A, B, C, and D checks at various hours in their takeoff/landing cycles. It's like maintenance for your car required at certain times. All of our flight attendants are being offered this very cool pump-you-up day-long session. It's a course designed by flight attendants, for flight attendants. It's held off site, not at work. No management. No supervisors. No company talk. No bad mouthing. No nothing. It's just not like that. It's as much for one's own insides as one's outsides. It's about affirming me. Myself. No matter what job I'm actually doing for a living.

The class was designed around the book How Full Is Your Bucket? We are all at our best when our bucket is full. And we are all at our worst when our bucket is empty. The question was asked over today, who is filling your bucket? Who is adding to it? And, vice versa, who is taking away from your bucket? Who sucks the life out of you? Who is your cheerleader? Who is not?

Lots of questions. Lots of affirmation. Lots of attention to the details of one's life. And, right now, my life has some questions about it. Not bad. Not a downer. Nothing like that. Just questions. Introspection and all of that. LoverBoy and I are chatting about how to make our lives better. About how to make sure that we are both being all there is to one another. About making sure that I'm filling his bucket. And not taking away from his bucket. And, honestly, I think we both do great jobs at affirming one another and trying to ensure that both of our needs are met. But everyone, everyone's relationship, needs a D Check once in a while.

In addition, his family issues have clearly put immense pressure on our home and lives. It's gone on for a very long time and is quite multifaceted. The fingers of its effects run deep in each of our individual lives as well as our communal life together. We both acknowledge it. And many of the issues have been brought to a good place of management, sort of. But they won't be going away anytime soon. I hope you won't think less of us for it, but we have actually had to deal with the horrible, nasty feelings of anger and hatred. At people close to us. At situations close to us. Unpleasant, I know.

So, back to today..... It's just rare that me (and probably even you) take the time to chat about such things as the buckets of our lives. And today was one of those. It just brought up emotions and feelings and such. It was right in my face all of today. And, thus, I was on the verge of tears much of today. I shared nothing. I offered no stories or comments. The entire day. I just couldn't without breaking down. I don't think I know how deep-seated this whole family thing is. And I don't want to make this a complain about family situations sort of post. It is not. It's about me. About my reactions and responses. No one else. It's about who is adding to my life and who is taking away from it. And those, my friends, can be very difficult questions. More later.....perhaps.

13 comments:

Kelly said...

hang in there bud (just what you want to hear)...I know the ups and downs of what you are talking about... more than think...

Lemuel said...

It appears that the emotions of this day helped you to sharpen your understanding of the issues in your life and their priority. Perhaps that will help you and your hubby deal with the issues better. But I would add a note of warning. It is my impression that your hubby did not go through this emotional day with you. If true, he may not understand fully where you are at as a result.

christopherc said...

Sending you hugs to help fill your bucket! I appreciate the support and positive energy you have shared with me and others over the years.

Take care of you and keep your focus!

heat said...

The fact that you are able to check yourself every now and then shows a level of self awareness and caring for others, instead of being oblivious to everything going on around you. It's uncomfortable, but I'm sure you're better able to deal with these things when they come up cause of this. Wish I was more like that.

Greg said...

Tis the season for tough family times. I hope things work out for Loverboy and his family. (((HUGS))) to you!

LSL said...

Well, this is one of my favorite posts from you. That seminar sounds really great and I appreciate you posting a link to the book - I'm going to look into it. I think everyone could use a D check now and then.

You guys are so smart to take time to step back and review. The kinds of questions you're asking can only strengthen and enrich your relationship. You clearly have a lot of stressors to deal with, and making sure you're being there for each other will give you the strength to face the harder things. Having a day with your emotions so close to the surface must have meant that you really needed that D check. xo!

FlipFlopsBoy said...

Hugs, Kisses, and MUCH LOVE to you and your life's love!

Prayers, too!

annie said...

right on brother! i try to always ask myself if the thing/person/situation/idea in front of me will take me in a positive direction. if the answer is no? discard and turn around. tossing stuff out of the bucket as soon as i realize they are negative is crucial, as well as not picking up any additional. AND nurture the positive!!!

Rick said...

I'll have to check out the book. I hadn't heard of it.

TonkaManOR said...

I am not a temptress...

Birdie said...

I find crying to be cleansing. I recommend it, the kind that you do alone, bringing up the tension and unfairness and hurt of it all. This post is very much a prelude to that, acknowledging the pain. Now give in to it for a bit. Then you can safely detach for the emotional strength you need to return to face it again.

Big hug to you, sweetie.

CJ/Rick said...

Try as I might, I have too many people that take from "my bucket", suck the life out of me and are sometimes plain toxic. But that's my fault.
Interesting post.

Ur-spo said...

One of my teachers called this "The Grace Bank Account".
I too want to send thought your way, to help fill your bucket, your account, your heart.