I've just finished an entire day of being on the edge of tears. With my eyes welling up over and over. I've said it before, I think it's my time of the month. In spite of my hard, crusty exterior you'll find that I have a soft and squish interior -- at least in part. Imagine, me having feelings. Ha!
If you don't know what a D Check is, it's an aircraft term. All aircraft go through A, B, C, and D checks at various hours in their takeoff/landing cycles. It's like maintenance for your car required at certain times. All of our flight attendants are being offered this very cool pump-you-up day-long session. It's a course designed by flight attendants, for flight attendants. It's held off site, not at work. No management. No supervisors. No company talk. No bad mouthing. No nothing. It's just not like that. It's as much for one's own insides as one's outsides. It's about affirming me. Myself. No matter what job I'm actually doing for a living.
The class was designed around the book How Full Is Your Bucket? We are all at our best when our bucket is full. And we are all at our worst when our bucket is empty. The question was asked over today, who is filling your bucket? Who is adding to it? And, vice versa, who is taking away from your bucket? Who sucks the life out of you? Who is your cheerleader? Who is not?
Lots of questions. Lots of affirmation. Lots of attention to the details of one's life. And, right now, my life has some questions about it. Not bad. Not a downer. Nothing like that. Just questions. Introspection and all of that. LoverBoy and I are chatting about how to make our lives better. About how to make sure that we are both being all there is to one another. About making sure that I'm filling his bucket. And not taking away from his bucket. And, honestly, I think we both do great jobs at affirming one another and trying to ensure that both of our needs are met. But everyone, everyone's relationship, needs a D Check once in a while.
In addition, his family issues have clearly put immense pressure on our home and lives. It's gone on for a very long time and is quite multifaceted. The fingers of its effects run deep in each of our individual lives as well as our communal life together. We both acknowledge it. And many of the issues have been brought to a good place of management, sort of. But they won't be going away anytime soon. I hope you won't think less of us for it, but we have actually had to deal with the horrible, nasty feelings of anger and hatred. At people close to us. At situations close to us. Unpleasant, I know.
So, back to today..... It's just rare that me (and probably even you) take the time to chat about such things as the buckets of our lives. And today was one of those. It just brought up emotions and feelings and such. It was right in my face all of today. And, thus, I was on the verge of tears much of today. I shared nothing. I offered no stories or comments. The entire day. I just couldn't without breaking down. I don't think I know how deep-seated this whole family thing is. And I don't want to make this a complain about family situations sort of post. It is not. It's about me. About my reactions and responses. No one else. It's about who is adding to my life and who is taking away from it. And those, my friends, can be very difficult questions. More later.....perhaps.