* * * My Words, My World, My Way * * *

Please Write: ALewisPDX@gmail.com

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Where Does One Draw the Line ??

Umm, yeah....so ..... a little uncomfortable here..... but, hey, let's just dive right into the deep end of the pool...shall we? Bring a life preserver. I don't want anybody drowning.

Exactly, precisely, when does one draw the line on a relationship? End it. Say, "no thanks." I know, I know...it's completely different for each situation, each relationship. There are no precise answers. As adults, do you find yourself still fighting it out with people? Struggling to make sense of relationships? Going 'round and 'round with friends. Is there a limit? Or are we required to just keep on spinning the record hoping for a different sound out of the song the next time around? And please believe me when I say that this is not a post about a majority but, rather, an extremely small minority of relations in my life.

Now, and believe me when I say this, I'm no yummy piece of delicious homemade cheesecake to live with and even to be friends with. I can be moody. I know what I like and don't like. I will say "no" to invitations to things that I don't want to be a part of. I have an opinion, generally, and state it freely. I like to be alone many times. I like quiet and peaceful. I don't like drama and will not participate in it. Especially if it is someone else's drama. So I would never want to paint a holier-than-thou sort of picture of myself. But I do feel that, being an adult in my mid-life, that there are certain things I don't need to have in my life any longer. I have a core group of loyal, faithful friends. They love me, and I them. I am confident and secure in that. Then I've got an even larger group of folks who know me, mostly...but are not in my inner circle. You know that group -- we all have those subsections of our lives. And then there is that quite expansive group of Facebook friends, coworkers, and one-time folks that you meet. That's a very large group. I believe that I'm simply far too old to have to deal with some issues. I'm far too happy in such a giant chunk of this old life of mine, that I can't stand the thought of trying to sort out things for the umpteenth time. I lose interest after a while, you know?

I ran across a few articles on line recently. Relationship Struggle -- How Much Struggle Is Too Much Struggle? asks exactly that question. When it is just too much? And then another article was on Toxic Relationships and how to let go of them. I'm just tired of the ups and the downs.... the emotional highs and lows .... the merry-go-round that just won't quit.

I always try to ask myself what it is that I'm adding to each relationship that I have. What is it that I bring to the table in a positive, stable, adult sort of way? And what, pray tell, is it that I do to add a dark or unhealthy element to my relationship with you. I probably already know it. And I'm not afraid to acknowledge it. I'm most likely working on it. Or am I being the toxic part of a relationship. Am I the one who is dragging people down? And should I keep on keeping on? Keep on working it? Beating it. Trying to make it work. Hoping. Wishing. For what? What if it goes away? What if I declare the war over and just go home for a drink. Huh? What if?

17 comments:

Kelly said...

oh lordy... i am afraid to ask what relationship has got you all fired up.... but i hope it all works out

Bridgeout said...

Thank you for tackling this difficult topic... I know we all wrestle with this at one time or another... I know I do.

Trickle Down BS said...

Don't blame you one bit...after you get to a certain age, drama is superfluous. You have learned to give priorities their importance and like I say: when those people who criticize pay my rent then they are entitled to give an opinion.
saludos,
raulito

Java said...

Some relationships are politically necessary, like the relationship I have with my mother- and father-in-law. We interact as rarely as possible, and try to be nice to each other.

Other relationships can be disposable, and might should be disposed of.

Good luck.

J.P. said...

I'm just going to say this. You are a good man and it is an honor for me to know you.

That is all.

LSL said...

I think at the point that you start asking, you're pretty close to needing to draw it.

xo

Tony (LT) said...

Just as there is no easy and clear answer to maintaining a relationship of value, there is no easy and clear answer to ending one. All relationships are different, so they all come with their own set of rules and boundaries. The question is what to do when those rules are broken and boundaries crossed. You first have to determine what the value of the relationship is to the quality of your life and whether it's worth it to change, redraw, shift, reaffirm or or erase the boundaries.

Rob Inukshuk said...

People come into our lives for a reason, a season or a lifetime - the trick is to work out which is which.

christopherc said...

interpersonal relations are among the most treasured and tedious treasures in or lives. Casting the die of a relationships value to life is difficult for everyone, yet something to be decided and facilitated.

tornwordo said...

I'm bad at drawing the lines. I'd prefer the other person to do it. I noticed that someone defriended me on facebook but couldn't for the life of me figure out who. Must not have been too important eh?

Lemuel said...

I consider it one of the advantages/privileges of my geezer status that I no longer need to put up with some of the crap that others dish out or the drama that encircles their lives. I'm too old for that. I've got too little time left. My only regret is that I did not learn that lesson in my teens.

madhouse 6 said...

good luck with your struggle.

thinkin' about you

annie said...

yes, we all wrestle with this - although most don't know that's what they're against. many people think they're just around a bunch of morons! i have experienced this just recently in an unexpected place, a "mtg of the minds" so to speak. i finally spoke up and said my peace, and ya know what? everything's okay. if not, they won't come back i guess!

Rick said...

I think if you're having this much anguish, it's time to end it. As LSL stated if you have to ask yourself than the answer is yes.

Don & George said...

Well as you know I never say anything bad about anyone. So don't let one emotionally challenged, overly needy, childish, vindictive, fake friend taint your life.

We feel so blessed to have you in our lives. We look forward to a life-long friendship full of fun times and joy!

David said...

I find that relationships ebb and flow. Even without lines being crossed, certain friends have drifted out of my orbit and are now in limbo. As far as negative relationships, if you need a time out, take it, and if the person seeks you out eventually then you will know this is a keeper. If they never get back to you, then you know things happened for the best. I've rarely ever felt the need to actively cut someone out of my life. If they are toxic in any way, then I don't initiate contact and 9 times out of 10 the other person vanishes since I'm usually the one that maintains my friendships in the first place.

Stacey said...

I wish I knew the answer to this question. I've been wavering back and forth for months on whether to have a "sit-down" with my parents - my "parents," maybe I should say, since my mother loves her faith more than her daughter and has disowned me because I don't follow her particular brand of "god." My mother who hasn't spoken to me in 20 months, who lives 1.25 miles away. And my father who supports her in that decision, and who sends me a text-message "Hi!" once every 2-3 months, but is always busy when I want to have lunch or ask him to come by the house.

*sigh* tender spots. I suppose it's time when I start regurgitating my hurts on other peoples' blogs, eh?