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Wednesday, January 05, 2011

Looking Into the Face of the Past

Holy mackerel. I haven't had to look into the past for quite some time now. You know, those dark areas of one's former life that bring up various emotions and feelings and remind one of situations that we wish we could forget.

My family and friends are filled with a variety of troubles....not unlike any other group on the face of the earth. And I think it's fair to say that alcoholism is right near the top of the list. The list is long of those whose lives have turned sour because of the icky old bottle. I don't have the time or adequate space here and now to recount the stories -- police, job loss, DUI, courts, jail, physical harm, mental anguish, horrible harmful words spewed, and the like. But I think you get the picture. However, I'm very glad to say, that there are at least a few in my life that have taken the bull by the horns and have righted themselves...much like a ship being tossed by giant waves, they have found calmer seas and have discovered a beautiful way of correcting the course of their life.

But I stared down the dark hole recently into the face of drunks. Loudmouth, out of control, vicious, nasty drunks. I was really uncomfortable and felt completely out of place. I was embarrassed. It felt like my past life. I wanted the restaurant bill paid pronto and I wanted out. Now! I know the look in the eyes, the slurred speech, the attempts at putting sentences together, and the escalating volume of voice. It's not pretty. In fact, it's ugly. And it makes me sad. I hate to see people who have turned control of their lives over to the bottle. And it's been years, many years, since I've had to face it and see it personally. It reminded me of dark terrible days in past years. And I don't want to go there again.


Anonymous said...

Hey Lewis! I can relate to those old tapes playing the head or being projected on the screen. While I am sorry you had that experience, I believe it happens from time to time to keep us real. I know things like that happen for me.

I have fallen in love, and a huge part of me regrets it. Because it just reminds me of the old relationships that went bad, and my subsequent loss of self-esteem. The old feelings of unworthiness and unattractiveness want to creep in. I'm just not very good in love. But, I guess I am trying to tell myself that I am grateful to still "feel."

I like your re-commitment ceremony for the New Year! I think I will take a cue from you, my dear friend.

Love, FFB

WickedGayBlog.com said...

Great post! I love how personal and from the heart your posts are. :O)

Ron said...

Yours is the kind of blog that I like to visit and read because it is so real and from the heart. None of us have lives that are perfect, not even the actors in movies and on TV. Sometimes reality sucks but we have to make the best of our situation and go on with living. That is our purpose in life, to survive. Hopefully with some happiness and not too much pain. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.

Anonymous said...

From your heart and filling ours with love for you! Thankl you for your posts and your willingness to open up to us!

BosGuy said...

I was ambushed this summer in Ptown by a couple we only vaguely knew. When we met them on Commercial St. despite our best efforts (they were already drunk) we could not extricate ourselves and some how we found ourselves sitting across the same table with them at Lorraine's for dinner.

I ended up leaving my partner with them before the meal was over which was unfair to do to my other half but I had no idea how to manage the situation and I did not want to say something rude -- not that either would have remembered.

Not fun - I agree.

Mark in DE said...

Fortunately I have rarely ever been in the situation you described, but I certainly identify with the uncomfortable feelings. As you implied, kudos to those who recognize the problem and work to correct it.

Ur-spo said...

I love your writing prose.

One of the toughest parts of my job is having "A" tell me their loved one "B" is going to the devil by drinking themselves to death. And "A" can't do anything about it. It is so painful.

Shaney said...

Hi Lewis,

You may or may nor remember me from my blog stints over the years.
I do remember you :)

I am reconnecting with blogging. It is one of my NYR's.

So if I may pop in from time to time and see how you are. That would be great.
hugs to you