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Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Where Did It Go?

Where did it go?  My ability to be happy more often than not.  My ability to not be irritated right from the get-go in the morning.  And my inability to allow what used to fuel my life to propel me into old age.  I always saw myself as the guy who would grow old beautifully, happily, gracefully and with a giant appreciation for the world around me. 

I walk outside on a perfectly beautiful morning and I'm instantly irritated.  The unthoughtful person who has tied their dog to the bike rack by our front door on private property pisses me off.  Rainier Beer cans tossed into the grass along our street makes me angry along with the speeding cars that careen their way down our 20-mile-per-hour section of neighborhood.  Drivers that don't keep up with the speed limit, hold up traffic, and have no idea where they are going send me to a place I don't care for.  And the list goes on. 

The clear blue morning sky no longer holds the attraction that it once did for me.  I miss the power that the plants, trees and grass used to hold over me.  The outdoors have always been my mainstay.  My rock.  And they used to be my focus.  But I've lost it.  And I recognize it.  I know very well that a separation has taken place.  I know instantly when I'm "there" and really need to be "over there" mentally, emotionally.....and even sometimes physically.  A Hawaii layover is just another place to spend the night.  My senses have been dulled.  It doesn't take more than a few minutes in a crowded mall with teenagers and families doing absolutely nothing to send me into deep longing to be back outside.  I find that my best times are in solace and quite peacefulness nowadays.  Having fun, being in public, going to big events and partying......bleh. 

Now I don't want you to think I've gone off the deep end.  Because I have not.  I just have found myself in a period of my life that I do not truly enjoy.  Content I don't struggle with.  I am very much content -- except for this one sort of "issue" hanging over me.  I  know it.  I recognize it.  And I don't like it.  I've started back to the gym thinking that forcing exercise and oxygen through my system can't be all bad.  Yoga, I've struggled getting back into.  I spend far too much time on the internet and my phone and laptop which keeps me from being elsewhere.  And it has all cropped up in the last, say, ten years or so.  Since age 40.  The cares of life just plain old seem to have a hold on me that they didn't used to.  The irritants that are constantly around all of us seem to rear their ugly head to a higher place in my mental capacity than they deserve.  Walking Mason does not bring much joy.  It's a chore, not an enjoyable short period of time when I'd like for it to be. 

So, that's it.  My persona of having it all together isn't quite as shiny and bright as it may appear.  I know it.  I see it.  And I struggle with it.  But that's good, right?  That I have that much going for me?  It's just the long-term solution that I seek. 


1 comment:

RMcD said...

Well said. I've been in the Mikey camp for some time. "Don't like anything" pretty well sums it up. Suppose it gets better, right?