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Sunday, July 26, 2009

Touched Inappropriately

Have I mentioned that I get touched inappropriately sometimes? In fact, it's not unusual at all. On the hips, butt, upper thigh, back, kneecaps. All of the naughtiest of body parts. And quite near the the hidden treasure -- the shrinking violet.

I mean, believe me, I'm no prude -- quite the opposite. In fact, if it were a 25-year old hottie touching me in, you know, "that way," I wouldn't be complaining at all (I may even send out an invitation). It happens at work. With some regularity. I spend most of my life with my midsection at eye and finger poking level of my customers. And for reasons I cannot explain, customers sometimes feel it okay to poke, prod, touch instead of saying "excuse me" when they need something. It's a weird phenomenon. I can't think of any place that any of us go to where it is ever appropriate to reach out and touch someone that we don't know. A restaurant? Post office? Grocery store? Bus? Work? Nope....no place that I can think of. Except in an airplane, apparently. I have had one man tell me to "get your ass out of my face"...but that's a whole other story from years ago.

My typical responses when it happens are one of these three: (1) I turn right around and poke them back on their shoulder and say, "You poke me, I poke you....now what may I help you with?" (2) or "I'll give you one poke for free and then I'll expect a $50 bill on the nightstand"; (3) or"I'll give you one poke for free but then I'll have to charge you."

And the funny thing is that if I could figure out exactly when, and by who, the touching was going to occur, I get the funny feeling that I may just make an intentional, deliberate, point to turn right toward them at just the precise moment so that their bony little finger would mash itself right squarely into my you-know-what. I sort of think it would be entertaining to watch their face and see their reaction as I yelled, "Hey, that's my weenie you're touching!" But knowing how checked out most of the traveling public is nowadays, it probably wouldn't phase them. They wouldn't even get what had happened. They'd just look at me funny and then continue right on with "Gimme another cream and sugar," like they usually do. The more refined and astute would utter the compliment, "Oh, and nice wee-wee, by the way." One can only hope.

I mean, what am I? A prostitute for poking and prodding? Don't answer that.

24 comments:

Mike, Studio city said...

I think most people have lost the ability to be well mannered. It's as if they have become jaded with being in public so much. Being polite is becoming more rare. If you are in the service industry you are likely to be treated with even less dignity. Hang in there, and don't forget to smile. :)

Breenlantern said...

One of the many burdens of being attractive, I suppose. Everyone wants to touch you. Maybe if you announced loudly that your rashes have almost cleared up and you don't think your contagious anymore before each flight...

Ur-spo said...

I must say you handle this very well.
You are a pro!

Touching people as they do is wrong wrong wrong.

Jim said...

But you were ignoring me!

Just kidding, that wasn't me... really it wasn't. I would have asked first if I could touch you in those places!

You're right though, the public in general is very rude and lacking in proper manners.

Ultra Dave said...

The only inapproiate touching I get is a nose in the crotch from the dog. You're a trooper bud.

Birdie said...

While I'm pretty sure I'm not the guilty party, I'm thinking that the close quarters of an airplane encourages closer personal space. We're smooshed up in there with strangers invading our space; it may feel natural to extend that to the staff as well. Or not.

Dave2 said...

Nothing surprises me anymore. I was once in a meeting at a very distinguished company. As we were breaking for lunch, I bent over to pick up a milk carton that had all my files in it. The minute I stood back up the guy next to me said "Ooh, got your hands full! What would you do if I decided to do THIS..." at which point he stuck his hand my crotch. I was stunned at first, but then said "Either beat you over the head with this milk carton or make you buy me dinner." I mean, seriously, WTF?!?

anne marie in philly said...

I would probably smack the shit out of someone for touching me like that.

then I would get fired.

you are a more patient man than I ever would be (and I'm a girl).

I second everyone who mentioned RUDE is the name of the game these days.

and I noticed no "please" or "thank you" either...just "gimme".

wcs said...

Now I'm going to be very self-conscious the next time I fly!

Seriously, I've observed some very odd behavior from passengers toward flight attendants. I swear people often treat the FAs as if they were behind the fast food counter. How may you serve me??

But poking (as opposed to butt poking) seems to cross a line.

Gregorio said...

He he! I loved this post! Especially, the 3 things you usually tell people, ha ha!
Nice~ you are a pro at this!

Poke,
Greg

Rick said...

Because their own personal space has been sacrificed, due to the cramped quarters, they must feel it justified to prod the steward(ess).

Larry Ohio said...

If the airlines would just stop hiring hotties, there wouldn't be a problem.

Greg said...

I agree with Mike, Studio City. Manners have become increasing lax.
But I love your responses.

bridgeout said...

LOL!! You're right! I have noticed that in my recent travels. I have no idea why this seems like it is "OK" to touch strangers in that venue. Another weird touching phenomenon is people who touch the pregnant bellies of women they don't know!
You are a good sport!

RAD said...

You are so pokable...Esp in the yellow jock this week on Monday Undies! whoo wee! HOT my friend!

I love your reponses to pokes onboard....Made me LOL! Very cute! Doesnt anyone every get more than one freebie? :-)

Stephen said...

I am so sorry...I was just trying to get your attention so that I could have a second cocktail... I was just going to touch your shoulder, but you stood up suddenly. I didn't intend to touch you there, honest!

Nathan said...

I guess you have to have a sense of humor to endure being stuck in a tiny, enclosed space all day.

I loved "I'll give you one poke for free but then I'll have to charge you." the most! It made me laugh out loud. :)

Thom said...

"get your ass out of my face"...

Now that`s a sentence you won`t be hearing me say. And I have to admit that touching you would probably be rather enjoyable. :-)

annie said...

um, no comment needed here from your little sister......

Jon said...

Of course, uninvited touching is inappropriate.

I think it may also be that engine noise makes it hard to hear while the plane is in flight. Some passengers may think that touching is better than shouting to get your attention.

That and the fact that you are tragically handsome and hopelessly squeezable!

Mark in DE said...

I would find that maddening! I like your comebacks though.

David said...

I would never think to do that to a flight attendant. I mean, it has never occurred to me. Usually they are walking up and down the aisle looking at us at any time I've needed to communicated, and if not, I wave my hand. Poked? Really? Appalling.

tornwordo said...

When I worked in the resto biz my line was always, "Don't touch the waiters!" Delivered with the hairiest of eyeballs of course.

Stash said...

Your kneecaps?

I've never been touched like that.

;)