So I'm zeroed in on The Oprah Show today .... the premiere of her 25th, and final, season. She's always been a source of inspiration and encouraging others to make their lives great. The show opens up with John Travolta providing a toast to his friend Oprah which included these powerful words: "..... because you inject the spirit into our society of life. You care. Your intelligence, your inspiration, and you do it all without judging, and because you treat everyone equally important, and this makes you a great American hero. You represent the best of our country and what's possible in our country. But, more importantly, you are a citizen of the world, and you are a hero to mankind. So we are better for knowing you...." And I began to cry. Because I can think of about a small handful of people who would raise a glass to me and tell me that I've been a hero to them. And that makes me very very sad. Because that's what I would like for my life to be to others. I've been called a "drama queen" by a very close and dear friend and it hurts...and not in a teasing, humorous sort of way. And, perhaps, its true. I do tend to tear up easily....quite in opposition to the hard, crusty exterior that I often exude. I began to cry because those words are precisely, exactly, what I wish others thought of me. And, honestly and without digging for an overabundance of "You're my hero" comments, I feel so far, extreme distance, from anything closely related to those words.
I have always tried to be a positive person -- encourage others, listen, pass along helpful advice, encourage positive change in others, and such. But the past years of my life have me down. Quite far down at this particular point. For some of the very first times in my 48 years, I feel some fleeting, passing, moments of depression. I never, ever thought that I'd be so under appreciated for who I am as a person. I have been hurt and undervalued by those very, very close to me. And after years of it happening, it is clearly taking its toll on me. I have been spoken ill of by those who I try to help. I have been told that I have poor timing when all I was trying to do is help. My mind whirs with ideas and thoughts about how to make those around me happy. I am constantly in thought for those around me with illness, sick pets, surgeries, the passing of partners, job losses, and bank account losses. I try, I try, I try. But I've stopped. I feel like I'm wishing for something but ending up with far, far less. People tell me that I look tired regularly. I'm eating whatever I can find....far more than I need to be. And, no, I am not looking for sympathy or pats on the back. I'm simply telling you where I am today. Because you are my friends. Because I owe it to me, and to you.
I used to be a hero to some. And now I'm an enemy to some. And it doesn't make me happy. It is not how I choose to live my life but it is precisely what my life is today. 48 has never felt so much like 88.