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Monday, April 25, 2011

Needin' My Easter Crack

No silly, not that kind'a crack.  I mean The Easter Sugar Crack.  The white stuff.  The dope that raises your blood sugar levels up to an appropriately inflated boiling point and then drops you off like a cheap whore after a $20 night in Tulsa. 

We enjoyed a nice quiet Easter -- except for the allergies and head congestion that have moved into both of our sinuses.  Seriously, it's like they have settled in with sofa, chairs, dining tables, and all of the kids up inside our heads.  Ick.  I've been giving myself daily north-end enemas (see, I had to say north because of all you whacked out crazies that would have read something sort of naughty into this whole deal).  North-end enemas consist of both morning and evening use of the NeilMed Sinus Wash -- available at Target, CVS, Walgreens, wherever.  If you've got head trouble, use this bad boy.  Seriously.  Back to my story now.....the quiet Easter.  We had a low-key dinner at a friend's home late in the afternoon.  Now the story goes that LoverBoy has been on a low-cal, low-fat, low-sugar, high-boring, high-icky, high-blech diet for some time now.  He's lost 16 pounds.  Amiable except that I needed a hit.  So on our way to dinner I demanded that we leave early because I needed to make a booty call at our local store on the way.  To see if maybe, just possibly, the Easter crack was on sale yet.  Walgreens -- a bag of Reese's peanut butter eggs (just in case the next store was closed....I'd at least have sumthin' to chow on).  And the Easter holiday light of Jesus was shining on me....because the next store was not only open....that sucker was humming with people.  We did the circle tour of the store and ended up in the Easter candy aisle.  My eyes darted to and fro, back and forth, up and down....looking, glancing, eyeballing for the best deals.  In goes a pretty bag of Easter peanut M&M's....lying so lonely in the bottom of my shopping basket.  It needed company so in goes an obligatory small package of the original sunshine yellow Peeps!  Ahh, such little cutie pies....stuffed with marshmallow cream and glazed in yellow sugar.  Perfect.  But, wait, wait, wait.....hum.....what's going on here.....I do like those Whopper Robin Egg Malted Balls....but there's just the big, giant sized package....42 ounces of heaven.  I was hoping to exhibit some of my discretionary limitation skills here and pick out the smaller package...but, alas, there wasn't one.  So, after a quick consultation with the ever-dieting LoverBoy, I tossed all 42 ounces in my basket with a giant clunk.  And away we go.  Self checkout.  Debit card.  And out to the Soul. 

Now, all I needed was a tourniquet to get my veins all plumped up for the shooting in of the Easter sugar crack.  No, wait, skip the tourniquet....I can just snort this crap.  Easter was indeed a nice day. 

9 comments:

Ron said...

"I tossed all 42 ounces in my basket with a giant clunk."
We had one of those 'clunk' moments today when Bill (spouse) spied the 50% of bunnies. I used to gorge myself on all kinds of candies but I just can't do it anymore. Maybe a cake or a pie but no candy. The body rebels. I'm glad you were able to feed your Habit. Bill too.

WickedGayBlog.com said...

You are such a great writer, so very descriptive....I LOVE IT!

DeepBlue said...

You've definitely... er... cracked me up! Great story!

Jim said...

Have you come down from your sugar high yet?

Ur-spo said...

I had a handful of jelly beans and this was enough to have a nasty sugar buzz
the chocolate rabbit is in the fridge, awaiting its fate

CJ/Rick said...

I wish all candy was like Peeps, Candy Corn, or Circus Peanuts. Then I could pass it by with ease but... I just love those peanut M&Ms in festive colors. What's up with that? Maybe I think they are fresher? I used to luvvvv the malted Robin's eggs when the shell was a hard coating and I could suck it off(I'm good at that) to get to the malted center but now they are a soft coating which I don't care for. It would be hell to diet with you and your addiction in the house. ;)
Glad you had a good day.

Stephen Chapman said...

Hi

I am after a favour - I want ONE SECOND of your time! (that's a favor to you I think)

I have an idea for a 30 second movie, that will add to the couple of '30 second movies' I have done so far.

Can you video yourself saying the word "WHAT" and email it to me?

A strange request, I know, but all will become clear when I piece it together with other bloggers clips to make a famous saying.

If you are willing - send the clip to sfchapman@hotmail.com

bardelf said...

In my next life, I want to live on a planet where sugar is GOOD for you!
Glad you had such a delicious high!

Greg said...

I'm sure you could sneak in a peep or two.