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Saturday, November 29, 2008

Slap A Straight Boy's Ass

I swear I'd like to slap the ass of some straight boys. Well, men, really. Not so much boys. I'm talking about slapping in a bad way, not a good way. I think that one of my least favorite groups of people is men in their 40s who have escaped the strongholds of a dominant wife back home and are now traveling in packs....much like wolves on a hunt. Today, it was a pack of six. On their way to some college football game. Slapping each other on the back, talking loudly, hitting me up for Mimosas before they ever even sat down. Telling other people around them (that they don't even know!) that "We hope you're ready for us." That's never a good sign. They had all sorts of golf magazines and other crap out....looked like they were Pebble Beach Wannabes.

They sported such pretty clothes as nice bright red pullover knit golf sweater vests with bright yellow Nike polo shirts underneath. Complete with Bandon ballcaps and sunglasses that rode up top of the ballcaps. It appear they would have been much more at home in the middle of a Hooter's Restaurant looking at girl's boobs than pretending to be First Class passengers that they certainly were not. (It's more than a seat....it's a way of life, boys.) They looked like they'd have been right at home with a 24 1/2 pound bucket of chicken wings in front of them....I'll be that every one of them lick their fingers and yell "Hot Damn" when the chicks pass by. And, dare I say, that I doubt a chick has glanced at any of them in many years. Oh, and I could clearly see a couple of their belly buttons through their skin-tight polo shirts......they were both outies. Ick. They bantered back and forth about the game, their wives back home, football, golf, and other nonessential, shallow life things like "It's 4 1/2 hours until my boys kickoff." I've never come closer to screaming out "Who gives a shit!" in my life.

Now, believe me, I am all about letting people be who they are. God knows that I've been accused of needing to tone down my hair cuts, clothing, where I shop and where I go more than once -- "Now that you're in your 40's," people say to me. But, I must tell you that I have a harder time permitting certain groups to be themselves than others.....shame on me, I know. It's something about the drawing of attention to one's self at that age that is odd to me. Second of third grade, perhaps? It's like they don't even know who they are as people, nor where they are going in life. It feels like a life with minimal dimension. It's annoying. And I've never been a fan of loud people who expect every one around them to simply put up with them.

So, in spite of the fact that I'd like to slap a straight boy's ass, today I wanted to slap the face of six straight men.

18 comments:

Breenlantern said...

Don't you ever tone anything down ever! And that's an order. If you decide you're in the mood to be told what to do and what not to wear, come here for a weekend...

Those men will be fucked by Karma before long, believe you me...

(F)redddy said...

You lost all credibility with your story when you said, “Straight men…mimosa” in the same sentence. This MUST be fictionalized!

Stacey said...

High school syndrome. Those guys act like they never moved one iota past their junior year in high school where they all just made the varsity football team and bonked their first cheerleader. The world revolves around them. Blech.

That's why I like geeks.

Ur-spo said...

they can be obnoxious, particularly in a group when they need to conform.
alas most will implode - trust me on this one, I 'treat them'.

LSL said...

I really appreciate this post. Just think if this was your DATING POOL. This is my future, Lewis.

I try to see their insecurities and understand that, although they express them differently, we all have insecurities. But in the end, I just think maybe I'll be single forever. I know not all straight guys are the same, but that isn't a small club. There are more than six of them out there. You're right on with this one.

:)

anne marie in philly said...

by acting in that manner, straight white guys think they are impressing the chicks.

THIS CHICK would NEVER give them the time of day; obnoxious, condescending, loud, rude white boys deserve to be slapped around by men and women alike!

Rob (Inukshuk Adventure) said...

Forgive them for they know not how pathetic they are. Allow them their transgressions as this is as good as it gets in their sad soulless little lives.

Now deep breath and be happy you are you!

Lemuel said...

We've got a guy like that at work. In his forties by chronology, but never left his childhood. One guy. Quite enough! And you had to put up with 6!

tornwordo said...

Oh god, this reminds me of working at the Hyatt when the Grand Prix came to town. I know exactly the type.

annie said...

i agree with (F)reddy...these guys lost all credibility when ordering mimosas. and RUDELY/UNTIMELY, at that! you're right, brother. first class is a way of life, not a butt seat. actually, all these posts are right on. the only time i can ever remember being a part of that crap, is when i was drinking. ah, maybe there's a parallel.....

Sorted Lives said...

You know one of those so-called "straight" guys sucked a cock in their day. Just sayin'

christopherc said...

Odd, I've been wanting to slap your ass...in a good way! Been dreaming about that for years in fact!

Although, the people you're talking about are on the loose everywhere it seems. We had a couple of rooms booked to them here as they were traveling together... from atlanta and a "guy's get-a-way". They ended up being so obnoxious within the first hour we asked them to leave the property and had to have the local police escort them from the property. And there had been no (detectable by me) alcohol consumption to blame it on at that point.

Hopefully, one day people will grow up and act responsible.

In the meantime, I hope you have a lovely afternoon!
_C

Citymouse said...

This is why 40 year old woman go out and find 30 year old artistic men and pay they to shut up and look good... just saying!

Doug said...

You hit it on the head: they have no idea who they are as people. Hence, they think their behavior is "cool," when in fact it's embarrassing and pathetic.

Java said...

That, my dear Lewis, is EXACTLY why I prefer hanging around with gay men.

Most of the time, if you can get one of these fellows away from his posse and talk one-on-one, he isn't so obnoxious. But just like middle school boys, when they gather in herds they are unbearable. I hope it was a short flight.

CJ said...

You made me hard writing about them. ;)

WAT said...

Yes, heteros can be so annoying sometimes. I know the feeling.

STFU!

Mark in DE said...

Ick, they sound like a bunch of POSERS!

I must admit that, for the first time, on my way to a gay bar Fri night, just 2 days before my 45th birthday, I questioned whether or not I could still 'pull off' this graphic T over the long sleeve T. Deciding I still could, I then wondered if I still should.

Mark :-)