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Tuesday, February 01, 2011

The Jesus People

Well, now that I'm on a roll about exciting, entertaining passengers I may as well toss you another bone of laughter from my recent travels.

You remember the Jesus People....right? I do. They were alive and well during my early, formative church years. Well, don't tell anyone, but I think I saw them today. In a new, fresh updated style for the year 2011. They appeared in rows 16, 17 and 18 headed to the rich, white, Republican land of Orange County. Perhaps that will explain the entire story that I'm about to tell you. And you already know how I feel about that sterile mecca. Scattered about the rows like the violent storm on the Sea of Galilee. Daddy, Mommy, the Nanny and six little kiddies. Well, there was actually a seventh child at home which I found out via an overheard conversation. Seven children. For god's sake. I immediately thought Mormon or Catholic. But I don't think it was either. I'm thinking big evangelical church. A happy-go-lucky sort of compound where there are giant screens to put the words to the hymns on along with a praise band and fancy wireless Madonna-style microphones on the pastors.

Daddy caught my eye. Perhaps it was the intense butchness of his persona that attracted me. Or perhaps it was his closely-trimmed beard with just an edge of gingerish red to it. Or perhaps it was the look that I've seen from straight men in the past when they are ushered into that uncomfortable lair of whirled up, rainbow-colored gayness. The look of "Are you gay?" The look of "Don't you even think of coming near my children." You know, trying to read me. Harsh, cold and rigid. But I think that the dead giveaway that they were the Jesus People reincarnated was their set of matching t-shirts. Each one had them. Bright, pretty sky blue in color. With their last name in large letters across the shoulders and a scripture below that: "But as for me and my house, we will serve the Lord."

Oh boy, the cameras were flashing pictures of one another; the kiddies were running around like the Disciples when Jesus entered the room. Coloring books, crayons, iPods, Hello Kitty backpacks. And Bibles. Oh yeah, Mommy was reading one. She probably needed to with seven children. I know I would. And, you know, they were not much more than 40 or 45. With seven tax deductions! I'm estimating an annual tax savings of about $7,000 ($1,000 per child) for the little rugrats. Maybe I'll start having children.

And there was what I originally thought was the oldest child. A girl. Maybe 18 or 20, pretty, blonde, and clearly removed, distant, from the rest of the family. Headphones on. Singing the words to our airline's boarding music.....Drops of Jupiter by Train. Cool song. But for a church girl? Maybe that's the way they do things nowadays. But when I was in church, there was no crossover between the spiritual and the secular. There is no way we'd be singing a song of the devil. And then she stands up and it all becomes clear when I see the "Super Nanny" distinction blazoned across her back with the scripture following. She's the nanny in this family overrun with children. No wonder she had her headphones on.

Amen and Praise the Lord.

14 comments:

Ron said...

I love reading about customer service stories. Someday I'm going to write a book about my four years at the Hampton Inn in Lionville, PA. The stories I have to tell! I work part-time now at a small boutique hotel in Lewes, DE. I went from 120 rooms to 22 rooms and 2 suites. Not as many stories to tell but just as interesting. I'm sure you have many more experiences to write about. I look forward to reading them.

Ron said...

Great post! I'm sending links to my Jesus friends. They won't appreciate it but I get a perverse kick out of pushing their buttons. Both of them were former school classmates of mine (since grade school) so I get a pass for my irreverence. You've inspired me to write a post about how I've been branded "The Devil" because I'm unapologetic about being gay to my partner's "Jesus" friend who has eleven kids (and he's only 37 years old!) The damnedest thing about it is that the guy is gorgeous and I think he is repressing his natural gay instincts. So many stories, so little time.

Ron said...

I got a response from one of my friends after I sent him a link to your blog. This is the usual response:

Ron, And what is his point?

anne marie said...

OMG...another dugger family in training.

the parents need a different hobby. and they should not be advertising their religious status. religion should be between you and whatever deity/abstract being you choose.

anne marie said...

OMG...another dugger family in training.

the parents need a different hobby. and they should not be advertising their religious status. religion should be between you and whatever deity/abstract being you choose.

Rhodester said...

When I was down in "The OC" I read somewhere that The OC Weekly got about twice as much response to their porn ads and escort ads as the LA Weekly. I wasn't surprised.

Will said...

Well big Daddy may not have been giving you the eye in regard to keeping you away from his children, but checking you out for himself!

Lemuel said...

Lemme see... Mom's tuning out the kids and not paying attention 'cause she "has to read her Bible" on the plane. Dad's not paying attention 'cause "that's women's work". And then there is the presence of the nanny which says "we don't want to be bothered by the children we procreated so we hired 'the help'".
I just *love* "Jesus People".
...and, btw, I'm not so sure that the butch dad wasn't checking out the hot male airline attendant and secretly hoping for a BJ in the restroom - a la Ted Haggard.

Will said...

I'm with you on that last point, Lemuel -- and then to prove he's not REALLY gay, he'll shag the nanny.

Stephen said...

I love your posts about dealing with the customers.

I once flew with the UP WITH PEOPLE crowd, who enterained all the other passangers with their singing.

Brahm (alfred lives here) said...

Daddy is gay.

People like that just scare me...

Ron said...

I forwarded your blog to my "Jesus" friend. He didn't see the humor in it. I'm not surprised. In my experience the Jesus People don't seem to have much of a sense of humor. My friend sent me a three word response "What's the point?" This is when I remind him "Well, we'll all find out someday won't we?"

Ur-spo said...

I still marvel at how you endure your job - and you do so well at it and with a smile!

Christopher said...

Stumbled across your blog and really enjoyed this posting. And I'm going to plagiarize what I've heard from someone else by saying: M'am, it's a vagina, not a clown car.