Do You Have a Small Package?

I'm not sure if it's a blessing or a curse. There we were enjoying dinner at the Ambassador, an old favorite Portland hangout for karaoke and great Chinese food. Smoky, video and lotto machines beep and clink in the background, karaoke nightly at 9. And us. Just wanting some delicious food....and they definitely have it. We're always the only ones on the restaurant side (as opposed to more skany karaoke/bar/lotto/smoking-permitted side). The combination "C" was perfect (kung pao chicken without the chicken and fried rice). Wonderfully warm and rich brown gravy laced with a good amount of zippy hot red peppers. Really, to die for. Well, maybe not that far down the trail...but good, nonetheless, when one needs a good hit of Chinese.

And then she brings the bill (they always do in spite of my asking them not too...it ruins a perfectly good evening). And there are the fortune cookies too. She makes a point of telling us to take the one closet to us that is pointing at us. And I do. There were actually two fortunes inside. I tossed one away because the second one outweighed the other for scariness. So, you tell me, a blessing or a curse?

"A small lucky package is on its way to you soon."

So, which one of you is coming over?



SAN DIEGO -- I have a couple of nights free in San Diego this week. Anybody there who wants to have dinner together? Email me.


Happy holiday weekend to everyone. Looks like we're having an evening BBQ and fireworks right here in our backyard.....Anyone Close to Portland who wants to come over?

Cadavers, Spatulas, and Vibrators

UPDATE ON THE CADAVER CALCULATOR BELOW: Guess what? I've redone this little calculation a few times now....and it appears that the healthier you are right now being alive, the less you'll be worth when you're dead and cold. Apparently, they like me being albino, drinking, taking meds, being overweight, and having had major surgery.....because when I entered all of that, it jumped my worth WAY up above anyone else's so far. So, I guess I'm happy being healthy right now. And who cares about when the lid is closed on me (or the fire starts). Enjoy and have fun with it!

I'm a little disappointed to be posting this. I stole it from my friend Steven at A Friend of Dorothy's. And he's worth more than me. Bugger. Like I said to him, it's time that I just admit it. He's cuter, sexier, younger, and just plain old has more to offer as a dead person. How about you? If you're worth less than me, I want to hear about it. More than me? Don't bother. I can't stand the relentless rejection.

$3675.00The Cadaver Calculator - Find out how much your body is worth

As a side note, there are some perverts out there that all of my faithful followers should be made aware of. Don't be caught off guard! Know who your gaggle (in the case of geese...or Google, in this case) is. Here's who has been looking for me this week via Google searches. It's not so pretty:

1. Why Do I Use a Spatula With My Vibrator
2. Foreskin piss
3. Gardening GLBT (what? Straight people don't garden?)
4. Nude Beach KGB (this is really not a good sign)
5. Hairdo for Mature (god, it sucks getting old)
6. Pony Rides Oregon (Does hung like a horse count??)

One of these really concerns me. Well, actually more than one. I feel like I may need some medication. But one of them sounds like a medical experiment right out of the Nazi era. And a couple of them actually turn me on! I love horses.

On, yet, another note: Here are the pics from our trip to Idaho following San Francisco Gay Pride. There are some really cool shots of a butterfly that sat nice and still for me while I took a million shots of it. Really cool stuff!

PRINCE ON CRACK...........

Idaho Says......

I'm trying to decide what is my favorite part of being in Idaho: The worn out and faded, formerly yellow, "Support the Troops" ribbon; the tattered "United" word in "America United" (duh?); or the four, bright and shiny and brand new National Rifle Association stickers. Seriously, there are four -- front and back of both vehicles. It could also be the beaten up "Let Freedom Ring" that rings so hollow now. Oh, wait! It could be that Alberto Gonzales is here today talking about what.....lying? How to deceive and get away with it? I'm not sure...but I'll be he finds a listening ear here. (PS -- I've seen less "Power of Pride" bumper stickers this time around.....I think that someone may have figured it out.)

Shit-Canned in San Francisco....A Miracle!

A very twisted and strange turn of events left us stranded here in the Bay Area last night.....so, miraculously!, we were able to attend the Gay Blogger's Fest in San Francisco. Quite frankly, I was shit-canned (the phrase my hubby just now used on me). I'm bleary eyed, slept like crap, and stumbled along the streets on the way back to Bart. I can't remember if it was trying to formulate a sentence in the bathroom with one of the guys from Calgary or leaning on the railing trying to stand up that gave it away. I'm very rarely that (this?) way. I'm such a cheap drunk. Not easy, just cheap. We met an amazing group of guys last night....all so easy to talk with and, of course, all look hot and sexy (even under the the cloth of darkness in a gay bar). From Darin slapping asses at the front door (not mine, mind you....we don't do that back in Idaho....except to the sheep when they cross the fence), to BrettCajun looking all dapper in his dressed-up outfit, to Jeff Skybar wearing a tight A&F t-shirt, Dan in his slinky lycra, Moby kissing me on the lips (no complaints), finding out that Adam's arms are as big as I thought they were, watching Jimmi sip his Captain Morgan's and DC, meeting Kelly and Jeff (their first time in San Francisco!), saying hi to the whole group from Calgary -- it was all good times. So, when are you all coming to Portland? Here are the pics. I've done some airbrushing to protect the innocent.

Pride Coffee With The Best of Bloggers

My honey and I had coffee with a few of the coolest bloggers in the world....BrettCajun, Dan, and Jimmi. They took time out of their very busy schedules to meet my honey and I for a Starbuck's. We sat on the water at the Ferry Terminal and then took a sweaty, fast walk up toward Union Square. We also made an obligatory phone call to check in on our friend at Sorted Lives. Poor thing was at work. The weather was perfect. You'll find all of the pics here. Enjoy! Boys....thanks for the great morning!

Missing In Action

I'm going to be away from my computer, my own blog, and your blogs, until the middle of next week...working, and visit with some of you bloggers in San Francisco tomorrow, and then a trip to Boise, Idaho, to visit family. I'll miss you all and wish you happiness in your comings and goings.

San Francisco Plus Things About Me That No One Should Know

So, Friday morning will bring my honey and me into the great city of San Francisco to have coffee with Dan and Jimmi....plus anyone else that wants to join us. Se'll be in the middle of a working trip and cannot stay for the big sex fest that night....so, we're meeting at 10:30am Friday at a highly secretive location (email any of us if you want to know where.....anyone is welcome). At first, I thought they were luring us into their web of perversion and den of iniquity. I was leary.....having already met Jimmi but not Dan. And, you know all of those rumors about what goes on in SF. Seriously, we're really looking forward to it. Happy Pride Everyone!

Now, onto a more delicate matter.....Wayne at Wayne's World has tagged me for this little exploit. You must understand, I've turned these down in the past...and am not going to play quite by the rules. I just cannot, in good conscience, tag anyone and ask them to do this sort of thing. But, doing my best to play along, I'll modify it and try. Here's his original post that tagged me. And here is my response. He's asked me for eight things about me....and I'm including my original 102 from one of my very first postings last year. Wayne, you're a doll. But the next time, I'm coming to find you and make you do things in that RV that are not fit for the light of day (I'm kidding, for the most part.....)

Sweetie Rocks and Portland Gay Pride

Dead tired. Worn out from dealing with freaks. I'm in the door, excited to be home. Layed out before me....a spread that you wouldn't believe including a dozen long-stemmed red roses, yummy ravioli with marinara sauce, a green salad piled high with veggies, marinated olives, hot biscuits from the oven, and ice cream for dessert. Oh, and did I mention the gin and tonics pulled straight out of the freezer? I couldn't have asked for a nicer homecoming. My sweetie rocks!

Sunday brought us to Portland's Gay Pride festivities. I have decided that you can only hold the lid on a pot of boiling water for just so long before it explodes...everywhere. Not unlike gay folk.....keep us down, tell us were second or third rate, don't allow us to marry, call us hateful names, toss scripture and Bibles in our faces.....and we're going to hold it in only so long. And that's what happens come Pride time each year. Every GLBT crazy in the world was out. Where do they hide out the rest of the year?

We were supposed to meet friends downtown for the parade -- chiffon, heels, lips and all. But pseudo family emergencies threw our plans into a tailspin at the last minute. (Roll with it boys...it'll be okay....). So, late, plans semi-salvaged but without good friends....we made it. Enjoy the video below and all of the pics are here. I even won a pair of Ginch Gonch men's sport briefs....."free to the first taker if you change your underwear here" -- so I was.......and I did. Wrestled myself into those mediums, glanced at the $34 price tag, which I'd never have paid. But, hey, free panties? Sure. Thanks to Under U For Men, a newcomer to Portland's underwear market.

Coffee and the Pony Ride

We're bummed about not being able join all of the hot "A" list guys in San Francisco for the blogger fest next weekend. However, we have arranged to meet for a quick cup of coffee with Dan and Jimmi late morning on Friday. Any other takers? We'll be in Oakland on an overnight trip and will take Bart over to at least say hi. Really appreciate the boys making time in their busy schedules. Thanks guys!

So, I'm bent down at my luggage yesterday -- doing god knows what. Probably sorting out my cosmetic selections or rearranging my collection of FDS sprays. Behind me comes someone who says "Hey, maybe I'll just jump on and take a ride on the pony." It's a large African American woman, big pretty smile on her face, and looking squarely at me. Me? Be taken for a ride? Not likely.

I asked her if she had a quarter to put in the slot. That always starts the pony up. And he kicks and gallops until the time runs out. And then, you'd better have another quarter.

Lewis and His Wanderings -- With a Predisposition For Good Food

With the exception of world peace, I've finished a project that I've been working on for a bit of time....a Google Map of My World Travels. It'll take a minute to download all of the little blue flags (how did it know that I was a Democrat?). It's plain to see that the Spirit must make trips soon to Australia and the South Pacific as well as South America.

Right after having a great conversation and catching up with my good friend at Sorted Lives, I made a dinner that I really had some questions about. I have to say, and hubby agrees, that it is definitely a keeper. Braised romaine lettuce on the grill topped with grilled onions and red peppers with a drizzle of homemade warm balsamic reduction and finished with shaved Parmesan and glazed pecans. Really awesome -- check out the pics. Oh, and did I mention the charred sweet cherries on the grill with shaved dark chocolate for dessert?

We've got some pretty heavy things going on in our family right now. Like, how shall we say, life-altering things coming up...and, unfortunately, not in a good way. It's been pretty heavy on our hearts and in our heads. I'm so proud of our family member that is facing life as it should be...just exactly for what it is. If you make a mistake, own up to it. Pay for it and don't play victim. The bad part, and it is really terrible, is that there will be some pretty serious jail time, fines, loss of driver's license, and possibly ramifications with children. We're heartbroken. It seems, sometimes, that even when someone tries their hardest to make things right -- especially after things were so horrible -- that it is really difficult to get the ship turned around and onto a new course. Some things are worth it, though. I keep on saying, "Don't look back."

And before I close tonight, I want to say thanks to my blogging buddy Kelly over at Rambling Along With a Stern Point of View. He has reminded us with his beautiful photo below that it is, indeed, the time of year to show our pride. Be proud of who we are and who we can become. Thanks Kelly!

Twister with the Pastor

Anybody remember this? I was reminded today by a fellow blogger of a far-distant memory that I've had for some time now. I don't know if it's a good or bad memory...but I know it's (no pun intended) a little twisted. Even naughty. I'm not even sure how to sort it out. Maybe psychotherapy or medication would help. I've asked my mother about it. She claims "I don't remember." Just like a good politician.....that'll get you off the hook every time. And it has.

The time was probably around the early 1970s -- again, in Idaho. God, what is it that keeps bringing up these odd memories from the most red state in the union. I think things happen there that we don't like to talk about. We became friends with our pastor's family and would go visit from time to time. We'd have dinner, kids in one room, adults at the formal dining table. After dinner, it was no different. The children would stay in the family room to play show and tell or spin the bottle (no, wait, that was with the babysitter)....but it seems that the adults were involved, possibly, in their own version of games.

I remember seeing my parents down on the floor with the pastor and his wife and the Twister board layed out beneath them. Red, yellow, green, blue dots...the hands, arms, legs, and feet all twisted, intertwined, and contorted to produce quite a visual mound of pastor, wife, daddy, and mommy. I never knew that my parents ever got that close. Let alone with a man of the cloth and his outspoken, mouthy wife.

I don't remember, but I wonder if they had a bottle of Mazolla oil nearby?

Summer of Love

New Audio Greeting for June Updated To Your Left.....


I want to be a hippy. Seriously, I definitely think I could have been an ideal fit into the summer of 1967, San Francisco -- the Summer of Love. This year is the 40th anniversary of what began as a Vietnam War protest of sorts. Combine that with all of the social challenges that we faced in the 1960s-1970s....people coming of age, trying to find themselves, hanging loose, being cool, promoting social causes. It was the original "Peace Out" that is experiencing a regain in popularity today. And what better of a time to promote peace?





Au Naturale: I would love to have spent my summer in the parks of San Francisco, barefoot, colorful beads hanging around my neck, skipping showers because I either didn't have a place to take one or didn't care, and saying "Screw the deodorant." Who needed it anyway? Long as we had plenty of patchouli, we're all set. And no razors! No shaving allowed....for boys or girls. And, yes kids, this was long before manscaping. It's all good.....and it was then, too.





There was long, messy hair (which I'm a fan of) and drugs (some of which I may be a fan of if I weren't subject to random drug testing....and, no, I'm not advocating drug abuse). And who could resist the temptation of tripping around the city or country in a VW van with a bunch of buddies -- never knowing where we were going to end up when the sun closed out each day. Happy, wind blowing in your hair, and I'd Like to Teach the World to Sing blaring on the AM (actually, it didn't gain popularity until 1969-1971, but the feeling was definitely gaining momentum). October 1967 premiered the musical Hair which featured Good Morning Starshine and, one of my favorites, Age of Aquarius. The dawn of the wild sexual revolution was in full swing and I think it would have been groovy to be a part of it. I mean, can you dig it, man?





I started first grade at the end of the Summer of Love. I think, even then, that I was a wild free spirit....trying to make its way out of this scrawny white boy's body. Trying to figure out what it really meant to live all together, in peace and harmony, with flowers in my hair. (That should have been someone's first clue.) I'm not even sure the hippy is totally out yet.

Matthew McConaughey and Me in Las Vegas and San Francisco

I shot these pics of Matthew's BB and mine on a recent trip. Guess whose is whose. I admit, it's hard to tell the difference. And don't miss his hot pics in People Magazine.

Here are a few pics from Las Vegas......you can't believe the development, condos, and hotels that continue to be built. Here are more Vegas pics (nothing of the really touristy areas, which is not my gig at all).

And a week or so before Vegas, I went with a few friends on a whirlwind day tour of San Francisco -- with heavy emphasis on the Castro. You'll see all of the pics here. What a cool, fun place. Did I happen to mention the pitcher of Sangria at Luna or the warm sun on our heads while we had a drink at Cafe Flore?
















If you're still reading this, you can see some awesome pics of flowers in our yard here.....Peonies are one my all-time favorites.

Family Reunion!

My long, lost relative has found me! She needs me! I am wanted! She wanted me so badly that I heard from her twice in the same day.....or maybe she just wanted me to read the same email twice. Either way, praise Jesus, we're on the road to her reaching into my back pocket for a little $$$ (actually, a little is all she'll find). A couple of observations:

1. She is right, the letter was a surprise
2. I am so totally into the Greetings in the name of Allah!
3. She doesn't want my phone call (with the illness and all)..just my $$$ (I'd be the same way, I think).
4. Before his death we were born again Christians -- and after????
5. If I am "Truly Christian" -- she just missed out on Jerry Falwell's estate.
6. I love family history and am glad to have a long, lost relative in my quiver.
7. Dear Franca, I hope I'm not too late. It's nice to finally hear from you. If the breast cancer hasn't take you yet, here's the millions you requested. Just use my credit card. (I'll get airline miles for it so it works out well for both of us.)

Dear Beloved in Christ....Reply Back.
GREETINGS TO YOU IN THE NAME OF ALMIGHTY GOD.
Naturally, this letter might come to you as a surprise, since we have not met before.
It is by the grace of God that this occurred; knowing the truth and the truth shall set me free. Having known the truth, I had no choice than to do what is lawful and rightful in the sight of God for eternal life and in the sight of man for witness of Gods mercy and glory upon my life. I have the pleasure to share my life history briefly, with you and also prayed over it, God reviled to me Directions in which to fellow.I am the above named person from Netherlands. I am married to Dr. Franklyn Johnson. Who worked with Canadian Embassy in Netherlands for nine years before his death on 11th march 2004.We were married for eleven years without a Child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days. Before his death, we were both born again Christians. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of Seven Million, Five hundred thousand US Dollars (USD$7.5M) with(Westdeutsche Landesbank (Schweiz) AG.Switzerland.Presently, this money is still with the above mentioned Bank in Switzerland. And the management wrote me as the beneficiary to come forward to receive the money or rather issue a letter of authorisation to somebody to receive it on my behalf since I cannot go over there due to my ill health condition. Again, with the help of my little adopted Girl by Name: (Marilyn) I wrote thisletter siking for your assistance. Am under intensive medical treatment for cancer of the breast which my Doctor has indicated will keep me off for months and only by the special grace of God. Hence I have decided to Distribute parts of the Funds to (Charity Organizations, Churches and Orphanage Homes etc while the left over will be for my little Girl 'Marilyn') I Don’t want a Situation where this money will be used in an ungodly Manner Like my late Husband's family members are doing. It is my main purpose of contacting you in view of the fact that you are a Truly Christian. Please, I beg you in the name of our Almighty God to help to utilize the above mentioned funds and its interest and distribute it accordingly. While you also will be adequately compensated with 25% of the total Amount. I need a Christian believer. God has put me through to you.
Please I Don't need telephone Communication in this regard because of my health status and the presence of my husband's relatives who have plundered so much of our wealth. I don't want them to know about this Development, since they embark on mismanaging the family resources. Any delay in your Reply will give me room in searching for a church or Christian individual for this same purpos. (Always pray for me.)
Hoping to hear from you soonest.
Yours Sister in the Lord,
Mrs. Franca Martins